The Van Alen Sister's Saga ~ Better Than A Soap Opera

"Miss Sarah Van Alen Now Mrs. R.J. Collier; Wedding Quietly Solemnized at Newport Yesterday"

"Special to The New York Times July 27, 1902, NEWPORT, R.I., July 26. -- The wedding of Miss Sarah Stewart Van Alen to Robert Joseph Collier to-day did not attract the attention of the society people of Newport as did the Martin-Oelrichs wedding of Thursday. The two functions differed widely. One had been long heralded and invitations were numerous; the other came as a surprise, was in a measure of a private character, and the invitations were very few in number." 

A Gilded Age Bride

The wedding of a young, Newport Rhode Island woman, in high society is "quietly solemnized"?  The newspaper article goes to the trouble of telling the readers that this particular wedding was not "long heralded", did not "attract the attention of the society people of Newport" as a wedding of one of her peers had, and it came as a surprise. I am going to post the whole article below, as it goes into great length describing the beautiful Wakefield event.  

 

Maybe quiet weddings, attended by the Astors and Condé Nast, among others, seemed like small potatoes in the Gilded Age, but the details sound absolutely wonderful.  Again though, as you will read in the article, many friends were invited to the church mass for the couple, but few attended.  Made me wonder...

 

Did she marry a cad?  Was this on a whim?  Was she already in a "delicate state"?  Maybe, none of those reasons.  It is highly possible that her father was not happy about his daughter May's "love entanglements", long list of broken unofficial engagements, one of which was to the Duke of  Manchester. Maybe her younger sister Sarah was as well.

Another of May's many notable 'entanglements' was supposedly her future brother in-law, Mr. Collier.  The newspaper goes on to say that she tired of him, and "Accordingly, she turned him over to her sister, Miss Sarah Van Alen, an arrangement, which up to the present time, appears to be eminently satisfactory both to Mr. Collier and the younger Miss Van Alen."  That particular quote is from an article from August 20, 1902. Less than a month after theVan Alen-Collier wedding.  The article is headlined "Miss May Van Allen (sic); Something About the Girl for Whom Remington Killed Himself" 

 

 August 19, 1902, Robert Reading Remington committed suicide.  He too was another jilted lover of May's.  The article, headlined "Sensational Suicide of One of New York's Society Young Men; Disappointment Over a Broken Matrimonial Engagement Believed to Be the Cause" goes on to say he "Blew out his brains with a revolver in his rooms at La Forge Cottage" and explains how despondent he had been over May's jilting him.

 

He actually shot himself 3 times.  The first and second bullets didn't do the trick, one shot from the side "ploughed across his forehead" and the next, shot with the gun pointing at his front, "glanced over the top of his head ... "  The young man described by the paper as having "a wonderful amount of grit" finally killed himself by firing the gun through his mouth with "death probably resulting instantly."  You cannot make stuff like this up!  

I wanted this blog posted yesterday, as promised, however the more I read about the Van Alen sisters, family, the weirder things get.  Keep in mind this all began with a society dinner party by Miss Leary.  I just thought I would quickly look up the two young ladies the dinner party was honoring.  Nothing more.  Reading these articles is like watching a soap opera, and it gets better with every click of my mouse.  That being said, the Gilded Age Etiquette will be posted tomorrow.  Right now, I want to get back to my soap!

 

The Account of Miss Leary's Gilded Age Dinner Party

"It was like a vision of fairyland when the guests left the dinner table and stepped on to the piazza and then to the garden.  The trees were ablaze with illuminations of every description, the walks being outlined with lamps of various colors.  Two large tents were erected at each side of the lawn, one for the men to smoke in the other where coffee was served to the ladies.  Japanese umbrellas were distributed about the lawn, which was completely covered with Turkish rugs." 

That is the opening of the story (shown below) which ran in the New York Times, September 4, 1900.  Miss Leary evidently had a desire to create a festive and global theme for the evening.  According to the Times, Miss Leary's party in Newport, was "one of the largest of the season" and it was held at her "cottage," which I imagine was a fairly good size. 

 The guest list was full of debutantes of the day, and the Newport elite.  The dinner was held in the honor of  "Miss Van Alen, and her sister Miss Sarah Van Alen, the daughters of James J. Van Alen."  The name "Van Alen" sounded familiar, so on a lark I decided to look  the Van Alens up.  That is when this simple article about a dinner party in 1900 changed into something completely different.

James J. Van Alen

Sportsman and politician James J. Van Alen commissioned
Charles Eamer Kempe and Dudley Newton to design and build "Wakehurst".

The Van Alens were not your run of the mill family.  This blog post is part one, of I am hoping just 2 or 3 parts.  Otherwise, I will never get any sleep.  I have been at this for several nights now. 

He was appointed Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to Italy on October 20, 1893, but declined the appointment

Van Alen was a widower, and according to many accounts, spent much of his time after the death of his wife in a depression.  From other accounts of his travel and social life, he seemed to be quite the ladies man and very outgoing.

Emily Astor Van Alen

 Here is what I found on Van Alen under Virginia University website's "Class & Leisure" Section on him.

James J. Van Alen (1846-1923) was a sportsman, politician, and member of an old-monied New York railroad family. Van Alen solidified his status as a member of upper-class society by marrying Emily Astor, daughter of society matron Caroline Schermerhorn Astor and William Backhouse Astor Jr.
 
Like many upper-class Americans, Van Alen was fond of English culture and architecture. In 1882, he hired English architect Charles Eamer Kempe to design Wakehurst (1884-1887), a stone Tudor mansion modeled after Wakehurst Place, an English country estate in Sussex, England. The mansion stood at Ochre Point in Newport, Rhode Island.
 
Newport architect Dudley Newton oversaw construction of Wakehurst. Rooms were designed and constructed in England, then imported to Newport. The rooms featured English tapestries, antiques, and accessories. Landscape architect Ernest Bowditch, a student of Frederick Law Olmsted, designed the grounds.
 
Van Alen was known as a charming host who enjoyed speaking in Tudor English. An avid yachtsman, Van Alen joined fellow Newporters Edith Wharton and her husband Edward R. (Teddy) Wharton on a four-month Mediterranean cruise aboard The Vanadis in 1888.
 
Wakehurst is now part of the campus of Salve Regina University.

The website breaks down the class structure of the era

Part 2 of my post continues tomorrow, with a Van Alen wedding and a section on Gilded Age Etiquette...

 

 

Effective Etiquette, Tools & Strategies to Attain and Retain Your Professional Best

Whether it be a simple business call , as a speaker for a large group, or when simply dining with friends, that personal aura surrounding you when you are confident of your manners and actions, is a powerful tool in making your way successfully to the top in life and in business.  

The following are proven  techniques and skills that will allow you to smoothly navigate your way through even the most demanding of social and business situations.

Watch your posture and body language: Bill Clinton used this quite a bit, but other countries may have taken it wrong. 'Thumbs up' translates as the foulest of gesticular insults in many countries. The most straightforward interpretation being "Up yours, buddy!" In Brazil, a 'thumbs up' can be used as one way of expressing 'thanks'. In Japan, the 'thumbs up' in sign language, indicates a man, or male gender. (An extended 'pinky' finger indicates female, or a woman)

1. Be on time, and from the moment you arrive at your destination, or receive business callers or guests, keep your posture open and relaxed.  
2. Do not “body wrap”.  Body language and meanings of gestures can vary throughout the world and can be misinterpreted easily.  According to authorities on kinesics (the science of nonverbal language), what a person is saying verbally can be loudly contradicted by the person’s own body language.
3. This is also true for hand gestures.  Use gestures with your hands sparingly. They can accentuate your message when done correctly, but they can also distract and detract from your message, if overdone. 
4. When entering a room, especially if nervous, stand tall and pause slightly at the door.  Then slightly pause again before taking your seat. Oddly, the more time to pause you take, the more status others will attribute to you.  You are creating an air of importance. One caveat; Go much longer than a momentary pause, and others may see you as weak or hesitant.                 
5. Do not let your emotions or fears allow your body to reveal themselves through desperate or  aggressive posturing.  Display assertiveness instead, by slightly leaning in toward a person to show you are listening attentively.  Then move back slightly when you are speaking, so as not to appear aggressive.
6. Ask where you should sit before sitting down.  Survey the room casually to know who you will ultimately need to impress.  If you are in a boardroom for example, look to see who is sitting where. If you are in any type of negotiations, you will want to know who sits in the “Power Seats”.  Seated at the head of the table is the person holding the most power.  Second in power is generally to that person’s left or right hand sides.  The only other real seat of power,  is at the opposite end of the table.  
7. When dining socially at a formal dinner in the U. S., the seats of power in a couple’s home, for example, are the opposite ends of the table.  To the right of the host and hostess are the guests of honor.  To the left of the host and hostess, are those who are the second in importance. 
8. Never directly point to someone or at someone.  If you need to recognize someone or gesture toward an object in the room to make a point, lay the palm of your hand out facing upward and gesture by stretching your hand out in the direction of the object or person you are mentioning. 
9. Make sure you introduce yourself to all others around you who you do not already know.  Reintroduce yourself to persons who may have forgotten your name or meeting you before.  
10. Have business cards ready to give to people you meet.  Always ask for one in return. 
11. If giving a presentation of some sort, request the lighting be altered  if needed.  Excess noise reduction is also a must.  To be fighting for everyone’s eyes and ears is difficult even for the most experienced of professionals.
12. Stick to a highly structured and “safe” agenda for any talk or speech you are giving. Avoid being trapped into speaking on something you are not ready to speak about, comfortable in speaking about, or something you are not knowledgeable about to a professional degree.  Do not try to “wing it”.  Unless you are an Oscar winning actor, your chances for success are slim.
13. Be prepared to back up anything you say publicly or even privately.  When you have inevitably been given the status of "Expert" or  “Executive” you will find that even  the most private remarks of yours will be quoted.
14. When in doubt, before you speak on sensitive issues or giving your personal opinion, you can drop the line, “This is strictly off the record...” or   “Speaking off the record for a moment...”  Said with a smile and conviction, the person you are speaking with will hopefully understand it isn’t to be repeated.  Beware; Your comments may still be quoted or repeated. Or even misused.  
15. Remember... You can always politely choose not to comment or give your thoughts.  Saying something to the effect of "That's really none of your business!" is not a polite, nor well mannered way, to express your decision not to answer a particular question.  That is saying aloud that the question was rude or the person asking the question is rude. Your being rude would only demean you both. Politely say something to the effect of, "I am sorry, but I am not comfortable discussing such a personal subject at the moment." and change the subject immediately, or as quickly as possible.
16. Tuck your chin downward, and keep your posture erect, to maintain eye contact on a level basis or lower.  Do not throw your head back, or over exaggerate in any way physically, to emphasize a point. 
17. Do not “play” with bracelets, necklaces, ties,  earrings, accessories or items of clothing.  It will distract your listeners from your talk.  If nervous, make any movements out of  your audience’s  eyesight; bouncing knees, fiddling with items in your hands, etc... 
18. Make your statements assertive as opposed to aggressive or passive.  For example: “I truly believe this is the correct choice.”  Not the passive; "I really hope you will agree with me."  Or the aggressive; “This is only choice for me and it should be for you too, if you're smart!”  Avoid the 'Wishy-washy'; “Maybe we should look at some other choices... I don’t know...  But for right now this is what I think...” That doesn’t work well in any  in any situation unless you want to be perceived as someone who has no real opinion. 
19. On that note; Never use false sincerity or false personal statements as a gimmick to make a sale, win friends, or in an attempt to get your point across.  Phony testimonials, fake clients, and misleading statements can be more transparent that you think.  Aside from that, it is the most unethical and impolite of all business habits that some companies and business people engage in.  Listeners will see through you faster than you think and will leave them questioning your abilities, product or services.
20. Unless your business is politics, refrain from discussing personal political opinion.  The display of political pins, buttons, or even bumper stickers on your car, etc... can kill your business and social ties 50% of the time.  If cornered by someone with little social savvy, who demands to know your affiliations,  use caution when giving an answer.  This same person was most likely a school yard bully in younger years, and may require “creative” or evasive answers.   Do not invite emotions or passions in to your business negotiations or social relations unless the politics are more important to you than the relationships themselves. 
21. Control listeners with a brief pause if members of the group are whispering or otherwise causing a disturbance.  That pause will be heard loudly and generally will get the attention of the offenders. 
22. Let listeners absorb what you’ve said before moving from one point to another.  Use a momentary pause or two to look around the room and make eye contact with several people before saying something like, “The next  point I’d like to mention... ” or “Another matter that needs to be discussed is...” 
23. The average attention span for a speaker to an audience or group is only 20 minutes. (video or photo presentations- 8 minutes)  Attention drops considerably after the first 20 minutes and significantly more after 30 minutes.  Get key points across within the first 10 - 15 minutes to make your talk or presentation more memorable.  
24. Try to sound natural.  Do not use tired phrases or jokes unless they are truly spontaneous or suddenly timely again.  “Culture speak”, or phrases and terms heard continually in popular songs, television commercials and advertising jingles are also best left out of professional conversation and presentations. 
25. Archaic phrases, words and references may make you sound well- educated among some groups, however, they may also confuse your audience and throw off the effectiveness of your speech, or presentation, entirely.  Speaking plainly and simply will get you heard.
26. Avoid using slang, buzz words or “ethnic speak” that you think might endear you to a specific group.  It can cause numerous problems, create misunderstandings and leave others with an impression of you that is unflattering.   One needs a big personality to pull that kind of speech off.
27. When you are the one listening, try to recognize the needs and desires of those speaking.  Experts believe that a person’s conversation can have 2 or 3 differing levels of interpretation.  Do not assume you know someone is in agreement with you.  You can hear, “That’s a good idea...” and think the person agrees with you, when actually, he just thinks it’s a good idea, but not a good plan. 
28. In mainstream American culture, nodding one’s head signifies agreement with someone.  Nodding one’s head, in many other cultures, only means the person understands you, not that that he or she agrees with you.  
29. Just as you watch your own body language, watch those around you. What signals are you getting? If you are unsure of what people are saying to you, based on their physical posturing or behavior, do not be hesitant to ask them to elaborate.   
30. Use personal stories and anecdotes sparingly.  If you frequently speak to the same people, chances are you’ve told the story previously.  
31. Leave personal problems at home.  Don’t bring them to the office, meetings or your job or any public speaking events.  Everyone has bad days now and then.  You are not the rare person who experiences stress.  When you are in a place of business, keep a businesslike demeanor.  
     
    
    

Colonial New Zealand, History and Etiquette

   Seek and Ye Shall Find; 

Helpful Treasures on the Shelves of My School Library

by Guest Blogger, New Zealand's Newest Etiquette Enthusiast, Corey Peterson

At school, I had finished my assessment task a while before the rest of the class, so I had some free time to do as I pleased. After searching the school library for books on etiquette, manners and silverware, I found they had a book by Debrett’s titled ‘Etiquette & Modern Manners.’  I was even more surprised to find, that I was able to take it out of the library.  My school library has many books that are to be read only there,  most of which are to my taste. I began reading this book in my last class of the day.  I started with the section on ‘Table Manners’ and was shocked at how complex it was for women of the upper-class to play hostess.

The seating plans seemed complicated. A woman had to make sure that everyone was seated in their position, according to where they stood in society, i.e. Dukes over Lords, Lords over Barons, etc... Then the way everyone had to sit with a conversational partner. The list went on! It was just as hard for the servants; the order of serving, the process of decanting of vintage wines, how to handle the port, the champagne. Pouring of wines and champagnes from the bottle, and so on. 

I have always had an interest for titled families and their homes.  My favourite is Highclere Castle, the real life Downton Abbey building, as shown at the beginning of the show.  I am interested as well, in the servants the large houses had.  I even used what I had learned to give a speech at school. The theme of the speech was "Life in Service, pre-WWI Great Britain. I also did my formal writing on the same topic. The book is gold in my eyes, but obviously others don’t share my enthusiasm.  The book hadn’t been taken out in years! I have decided, I want my own copy as it is so rich in information. 

What happened to European women after they arrived in the raw New Zealand colony? From period letters, diaries and cookbooks the story of these early colonists emerges, while recounting struggles to find housing, food and fields. How they kept food fresh without refrigeration, how illnesses were treated without antibiotics and how entertainment was found, without radio, television or movies.

I had another look, but this time I found a book, called ‘Colonial Fare,’ written by Jill Brewis. Inside are quotes, recipes, stories and tips for making everyday processes easier for Colonial New Zealand housewife. New Zealand was only colonised in 1840, making us a very young country. 

Between the period of 1840’s until around 1870, was when New Zealand had the biggest surge of English migrants. All were searching for the same thing; a new, better life.  Most of those who came, were disappointed with what they found, and many longed to return to their homeland. But many also stayed, persevered and began to shape New Zealand into almost, but not quite, a newer version of England.

 One example is the Karangahake Gorge. The early settlers carved a roadway for their horse and carts through the rough terrain, with many deaths and many injuries, alongside the mighty river. The road was the foundation of the road there today, and in some parts you can still see the scars. Karangahake was also a booming mining town, with many tunnels and shafts, a few of which are still open to the general public, free of charge. Sadly, the boom died as quickly as it started, leaving the township empty of work and a ghost town. 

The book is fascinating, with ‘Etiquette for Women’ as a chapter. The Girls’ Mutual Improvement Society was set up and had a strict list of rules and manners.  If a member was not following this code of protocol, the member would have been expelled.  The code included rules like these;

• “Never take your pet dog on a call. Children, also, should be left at home.”
• “Your gloves should always be of kid; silk or cotton gloves are very vulgar.”
• “When a lady is crossing a muddy street she should gather her dress in her right hand, and draw it to the right side.”
• “To wear a bonnet fit for a carriage when not in one is the extreme of bad taste.” 
•  “It is always silly to try to be witty.”

This dress code would have been hard to follow over the years, as getting many different bonnets, or materials sent to one in New Zealand from either England or America, was extremely costly, time consuming and was seen as a non-essential by many husbands.  If a woman ordered 25 yards of light, violet silk from a London shop, it could take

Advertisement of The New Zealand Company 1837-1858

up to nine months to arrive.  Out of that nine months, the ship had to sail to New Zealand, pick up the mail bound for England with the order, sail back to England and then be delivered to the recipient there.  Then it had to sail back for New Zealand, deliver the product to the postman and then the postman would have to deliver the silk to the buyer. By the time it arrived, the colour might have gone out of fashion.  Or the product you received, may not be to your liking, wasting your time and your hard earned money.

Women were lucky if their husbands allowed for them to send away for fabrics from England, as it was hard to earn enough money to live.  Given the price of importing livestock, seed and other goods from the two main exporters, America and England, early colonists had to be cost conscious.   

Colonists had the cost of a plot of land.  Most settlers bought their land sight unseen.  Unethical sellers sold land many times, as being "flat" or fertile", when most of New Zealand was hilly and rocky.  This led to many settlers finding out that they couldn’t live off the land.  Even if they could, it would have taken more time than anticipated to prepare that land.  

My third-great grandparents arrived from England in the early 1870’s.  On their voyage, they lost a son to extreme seasickness and malnourishment.  After they arrived, they settled in Blenheim, which is in the South Island of New Zealand. The house they lived in was very small and was made mainly by roughly cut planks of wood. They had about 12 children here in New Zealand, with my third-great grandfather leaving behind his two eldest. 

Life was hard for them, but they had an advantage, as many of the children were male. This meant they had a labour force.  The colonial families, and in particular the women, were very resourceful and hardworking. Women tried to keep the traditions of England in a land far, far away. For that, and all their work, they get my respect.