Etiquette and Agony Aunt Advice

“Once upon a time two women went room hunting in a lodging house at a certain summer resort...” Not these two, but two others. – Ruth Cameron was a no-nonsense, “Agony Aunt” who had and advice column called “The Morning Chit-Chat” in early 20th century newspapers.

Sensitiveness May Be Cowardice

ONCE upon a time two women went room hunting in a lodging house at a certain summer resort. At one house they were shown a very pleasant room, neat, attractive, well furnished and fairly reasonable in price, and the woman for whom the search was being conducted seemed almost persuaded. “I like this room immensely.” she said to the hostess, who had been unusually agreeable and courteous in showing the room. “I am almost sure I will take it, but I must consult my husband. I’ll let you know by Thursday.” 

That was Tuesday. On Wednesday another house hunter came to this house and fairly fell in love with the room in question. She was told that another party had the refusal of it. She urged the hostess not to mind that. “If you will only let me have the room, I'll take it today for the whole summer,” she promised. But the hostess, being new at the business, and having an unusual sense of honor, said she must wait until she heard from the other party. Whereupon the applicant, not being in a position to wait, went elsewhere. That was two months ago. The woman who had the refusal of the room has not telephoned yet. Needless to say, she never meant to. Indeed, she was scarcely out of earshot before she confided to her companion: “I knew that room wouldn’t be big enough, but she was so pleasant that I didn’t want to tell her that. I am so sensitive.”

“But won't you hate to telephone?” inquired the companion. “Oh, my dear, I shan’t telephone her. If she doesn’t hear by Thursday, she’ll know I’m not coming. I wish I wasn’t so sensitive (with a smile that showed how proud she was of just that), but I simply can’t bear to hurt people’s feelings.” Do you know what that woman reminds me of? Of the kind of folks who are so sensitive that they can't bear to chloroform or otherwise dispose of their pet cats, but are quite willing to leave the poor creatures to shift for themselves and probably be killed by dogs or die of starvation or rabies. 

You don’t see the parallel between the two? I do. They both display that peculiar kind of tenderheartedness which makes its possessor cruel instead of kind. Do you know whose feelings that woman was really afraid of hurting? Simply her own. She didn't want to make the effort of saying a firm, decided “No,” so she shiftlessly slid out of the situation in that cowardly way. When the fear of hurting anyone’s feelings makes you deceitful and blind to their best interests, you may be pretty sure that it’s your own feelings that you are really guarding. 

Suppose a surgeon should look at a mortifying finger and say, “I know I ought to cut that off, because, if I don’t, the trouble will spread to the whole arm, but I can't bear to hurt the patient.” Suppose a doctor should say, “I know that’s the only medicine that will cure the patient, but it’s so bitter I hate to ask him to take it.” The tenderneartedness that is straightforward, honest and cruel to be kind, if necessary, is certainly a virtue, but the sentimental, deceitful tenderheartedness that is kind, and thereby cruel, is very much nearer a vice. — By Ruth Cameron, 1912 

New Etiquette Classes for Teens

Our newest etiquette classes for teens begin at 6:45 p.m. on July 2nd at the Graber Olive House in Ontario. Call 909-923-5650 for more information or stop by the Graber Olive House to fill out a registration form.

Easter Greetings and Blessings

When I was little, my sisters and I always got a new bonnet, dress, and sometimes new white gloves or a small handbag for Easter. It was tradition. It was a spring ritual. It was the fashion etiquette for all baby boomer girls. And nearly every little girl I grew up with, enjoyed that same springtime rite. It was something to look forward to every year, just like “Back to School” clothes in the autumn.

By the the time I reached middle school, however, those de rigueur Easter bonnets and white gloves for girls, fell out of fashion. In 1969, tweens and teens wouldn’t be caught dead in them! A new dress was still desirable, however. I have a photo of myself, standing with my grandmother on her front lawn, while wearing a now cringeworthy, “Marcia Brady” style, robin’s egg blue dress and shoes. They were very much in vogue at the time and I remember happily picking them out at the mall, excitedly looking forward to Easter vacation with my grandparents in Los Angeles.

 Though I no longer get a new Easter bonnet every year, Easter is still one of my favorite holidays. Maybe it is the religious roots that were planted and took hold as I grew up. Or, possibly, it’s the new life and birth of spring, with the bunnies, chicks and lambs. After all, both my son and daughter were born in the spring, and every few years my daughter’s birthday lands on Easter weekend. 

It could be that all of the family tries to get together, like with Christmas, but without all of the stress, anxiety or depression. Mostly, I think it’s that I so fondly remember spending the “Easter vacation” of many school years at my grandmother’s and grandfather’s home. (It wasn’t called “spring break” back then) It was the one week a year I could play “only child” and I made the best of it. The weather was always pretty nice, too, so that was a bonus. 

Looking at it now, I’m thankful to have all of my siblings. Two of us, along with our spouses attended a cousin’s wedding yesterday. As Cliff and I drove home, it dawned on me what a blessing it is that all of my siblings are still living, as are both of my parents. Our cousin hasn’t been as fortunate as my brother and me. Both of his siblings and both of his parents are all deceased. His mother was the most recent to pass away. My older brother and I were the closest thing to siblings he had in attendance. But, our cousin is certainly blessed as well. His new bride made it a point to tell us (twice) that they would be coming to visit soon, and she hoped we’d get together often, as she believes family is important. She’s right. And I couldn’t be happier for them. Easter blessings, indeed!

A Baby Boomer Easter – Me, in my new Easter bonnet, holding my basket, with three of my four siblings, along with our mother on Easter Sunday, circa 1960.  

A Downton Abbey Etiquette Rant

An open letter to Mariana Fernades on Screen Rant, regarding her April 13, 2019 post: 5 Historically Accurate Details About Downton Abbey (And 5 That Were Pure Fiction)

Dear Mariana-  

I’m not on Facebook, so I was not allowed to comment on your Screen Rant article. As #3 of “5 Historically Accurate Details About Downton Abbey (And 5 That Were Pure Fiction)” is inaccurate, (and I know this because I addressed it here on my blog back in 2011 when The Telegraph first made similar accusations), I thought I should bring it to your attention.

Here below, I offer proof of the cultural terminology and popular common phrases in use during the Victorian and Edwardian periods, using the complete list that the Telegraph asserted as inaccurate to the time period being portrayed. 

Sincerely, 
Maura J. Graber

Assertion #1- The word “boyfriend” was not used during this time. 

The phrase is found in the following: Official report of debates Council of Europe. Parliamentary Assembly, Council of Europe, page 470 (1895): “... from yesterday's edition of The Times of London which states, ‘A woman who joined a company run by fundamentalist Christians was required to sign an undertaking that she would not live with her boyfriend.’”

From Wenderholme: A story of Lancashire and Yorkshire, By Philip Gilbert Hamerton, Page 301, (1876): “This cheered Edith's heart considerably, but still there was a certain moisture in her eyes as she bade farewell to her boyfriend.”

From The life and remains of Douglas Jerrold By Blanchard Jerrold, Douglas William Jerrold Page 331 (1859): “My early boyfriend, Laman Blanchard, and Kenny Meadows, a dear friend too, whose names have become musical in the world's ear, were of that society — of that knot of wise and jocund men ...”

Assertion #2- The Phrase “get shafted” was not used until the 1960’s.

Reality shows the phrase found in the following from: Debates: official report, Volume 2, Canada House of Commons (1888): "I do not know what assurance can be given that people can be guaranteed that they do not get shafted, to the favour of some other group."

Assertion #3- Footman Thomas Barrow, played by Rob James-Collier, used the words “get knotted” in the October 9 episode

The phrase is found in: The Westminster Review, Volume 124, Page 402 (1885): “In foreign affairs, when they get knotted, a Special Commissioner is appointed to report upon the situation, and to advise as to means of unravelling the tangled skein of affairs.”

Assertion #4- Head housemaid Anna Smith (Joanne Froggatt) asked John Bates (Brendan Coyle) in last week's drama set in 1917 “So everything in the garden is rosy?”

The phrase, which supposedly wasn’t used at the time, is found in the following from: Fraser's magazine, Volume 19 By Thomas Carlyle, page 606 (1879): “He looked so rosy, so
cheerful, so placid, such a picture of rewarded philosophy and virtue, surely he must be the happiest of mortals.”


From: Vanity Fair: A novel without a hero, By William Makepeace Thackeray, Page 95, (1845): “The honest Irish maid-servant, delighted with the change, asked leave to kiss the face that had grown all of a sudden so rosy.”

From: The complete works of William Shakespeare, Johnson: Page 556, (1863): “Me of my lawful pleasure she restrain'd, And pray'd me, oft, forbearance: did it with A pudency so rosy, the sweet view on't Might vvelghave warm'd old Saturn; that I thought er As chaste as unsunn'd snow :—O, all the devils!” (And Shakespeare actually wrote this over 200 years earlier!)


Assertion #5- Some Downton Abbey viewers have baulked at the use of the word “boyfriend,” as well as the concept of a “professional woman,” which is used to describe a maid who wants to leave domestic service to become a secretary." The latter half of that statement is most amusing, as there are so many, many references to the term “professional women” in newspapers and in books from the 1800s. Too many to choose from, so I picked one that ironically ran in the Telegraph.

It’s an article in an 1898 New York Times, referencing the spirited ongoing debate in the pages of U.K.'s The Daily Telegraph, titled “Should Wives Work? Opinions of English Men & Women-What an American Woman Thinks About It” quite plainly spells it out, quoting a British reader's comment in The Daily Telegraph, “Several professional women, talking sensibly of the subject, say that their business life will make them more careful in the choice of a husband ...”

Etiquette Instructor, Maura J. Graber, runs The RSVP Institute of Etiquette and is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia