The Abuses of Proper Etiquette in TV and Films

"It's 'Your Majesty' the first time.  After that, it's 'ma'am', as in 'ham'. Not 'ma'am', as in 'palm'."  Helena Bonham Carter, as quoted in "The King's Speech"

Guest Blogger Corey Peterson of New Zealand returns with this post on etiquette in period films and television;

When watching a film or television show, I have developed a habit of picking out all the faults and inaccuracies played out on screen. One of the most annoying for me, normally regarding Queen Victoria, is when they do not follow the "it's ‘ma’am as in ham, not ma’am as in palm’" rule or they address her as ma’am as soon as they meet.  The Queen would be, and should be, addressed as ‘Your Majesty’ when first addressing her, and from then on it is either Madame or ma’am, which either fits best at the time.

1975's "Edward the Eleventh" was renamed "Edward the King"

She is addressed as ‘Her Majesty, the Queen’ in communications via the post and then any subsequent references should be ‘The Queen’.  I have recently been watching the 1975 hit show, 'Edward the Seventh,' and the poor use of the rule,"ma’am as in ham, not ma’am as in palm" annoys me.  I often comment on how poorly they address Her Majesty as well as the abuses of simple etiquette rules and guidelines, such as posture and the incorrect usage of flatware.

Dame Judi Dench as "Mrs. Brown"

Another film that I found aggravatingly annoying was the dinner scene on "Mrs. Brown" starring Dame Judi Dench as Queen Victoria.  When the young Prince of Wales tapped his mother’s fine crystal with the back of his knife to draw attention to himself.  This in itself was vulgar but the manner of his conversation was even more so.  It is to me, a letdown when I am watching a period drama or film and the actors have not studied or listened to the etiquette rules and guidelines set at the time.

 Ladies of Cranford

But not all shows have neglected etiquette. One of my favourite and most loved period pieces is "Cranford."  The show is based on the works of Mrs. Elizabeth Cleghorn Gaskell’s most loved novellas, namely "Cranford", "My Lady Ludlow" and "Mr. Harrison’s Confessions." The characters, Miss Deborah (played by Eileen Atkins) and "Miss Matilda "Matty" Jenkyns" (played by Dame Judi Dench) are the two main characters and are sisters.  The pair are both spinsters and they own a house together.  Miss Deborah is the older, more proper sister; often corrects their maid, Martha, when she abuses proper code of etiquette.  Miss Matilda is the younger, more sheltered sister, who follows her elder sister’s proper use of etiquette.
 

"Miss Deborah is the older, more proper sister; often corrects their maid, Martha, when she abuses proper code of etiquette."

Almost all landowners over a certain age in "Cranford" are women and the etiquette used is still rigidly reinforced.  When we first meet the Jenkyns sisters, it is 1842.  The town is still a rather stiff and traditional one. With the arrival of many new characters, the etiquette rules are placed in jeopardy, which distresses and disturbs Miss Deborah.

 

Ladies from "Return to Cranford"

Without being too plot heavy, upon the death of a character, a sister is the only member remaining in the family.  When she wishes to walk her sister to the grave in her funeral procession, it was perceived as extremely ill-mannered at the time.  However, Miss Deborah surprises her sister and friends by not only condoning the gesture, but even following along with her as a show of support and an understanding her grief.

 

I highly recommend 'Cranford' to anyone who wishes to see a series with proper etiquette and an extremely touching storyline.

The Art of the Social Graces

    The study of etiquette and social graces is a science, but practicing the knowledge gained from that science, is truly an art form that one develops!

   The Art of the Social Graces
     by Bernadette Michelle Petrotta

"Do not assume people enjoy forwarded emails.  Check with them first before sending"~from The Art of the Social Graces

 

Bernadette Petrotta is one of the few people I know, who practices the art of social graces in her everyday life. Long an etiquette instructor, her book is a concise, well written guide to etiquette, and how to artfully put that etiquette to use with social grace and ease.

 

 

"The essence of hospitality means leaving no detail unattended. Set your table with a sense of poise and a sense of welcome that brings warmth into your home."~from The Art of the Social Graces 

 

It is filled with helpful suggestions, and the rules for introductions, entertaining, dining out, helpful dining guidelines for all types of foods, table setting and place setting diagrams, appropriate attire, afternoon tea and much more.  There are one or two points I disagree with Bernadette on, but people have personal preferences, and we are no exception.  Besides that, I can find at least ten things I disagree on within the first few glances at the majority of newer books on etiquette that I see.  "The Art of the Social Graces" is an exception.

 

"The hostess will place a napkin on her lap.  The guests should follow suit." ~from The Art of the Social Graces

          
I do not generally recommend any new etiquette books, however this book is truly worth reading.  If you are in the etiquette business, feel flummoxed at the thought of entertaining, or know a new bride or bride-to-be who can use guidance, this book is an excellent choice for any bookshelf or home library.









http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Social-Graces-Victorian/dp/1467966835

Children's Etiquette for Making Introductions

Maura Graber with client Bob Phillips

Do your children "do as you do" when it comes to "How do you do?"

 

 

 

Teach children etiquette early to 

help them get along with others.

Teaching children basic rules of etiquette, such as how to make a proper introduction, gives them a foundation of good social skills that helps in forming and maintaining friendships. Etiquette expert Maura Graber advocates teaching children at around the ages of 3 or 4 to make a proper introduction. If you start etiquette lessons when children are young, they do not develop bad habits and can approach social situations with confidence as they will know what to do. Young children who can make a proper introduction often endear themselves to adults and the positive feedback children receive encourages them to be active socially.

       

1. Non-Verbal Gestures

   • Teach children to approach the adult with a smile. Graber indicates many etiquette mistakes will be forgiven if children show they are friendly and attempting to be polite. It’s important to make eye contact to show your good intentions. Coach the child to stand up straight and approach the situation with enthusiasm. Have children practice smiling and maintaining eye contact with each other, with a parent, teacher or with a favorite stuffed animal. Give surprise awards in class when you see children approach each other with good posture, smile and eye contact. Praise children who are struggling to remember these three non-verbal cues by noticing when they do remember one or more cues and sharing how happy you are to see them improving.

   Use of Titles

   • Call adults by a title such as "Mr.," "Miss," "Mrs." or if uncertain of a woman’s marital status, use "Ms." when introducing her. The Family Education website advises that children introduce themselves to a stranger by their surname. It is permissible however, to use a first name if the adult asks to be addressed in this more informal style. Your children can also state a family rule, if one exists, that they should call all adults by their surnames. Introduce the person with the highest status first. Older persons, teachers, professors or distant relatives for example, should be introduced to your parents. Therefore, a child would say, "Dr. Dennis, please meet my parents, Mr. and Mrs. Smith."
         
     
     
     

   What to Say

   • Teach children to make a brief explanation about how they know the people they are introducing. If they are introducing their teacher to their parents, for example, they would say, “I would like you to meet my teacher, Mrs. Hill. Mrs. Hill, these are my parents, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.” If children are being introduced to someone, they should make a brief, pleasant comment such as, “Nice to meet you.” Encourage them to speak in a clear, confident manner so everyone can hear what they are saying.

   What to Do

   • Children should stand when meeting an adult but remain seated when meeting someone their own age. Standing is a sign of respect used to defer to those who are older or who have more status, such as a congressman or member of the clergy. Teach them to extend their hand fully and shake hands firmly. Have children practice standing and shaking hands so they develop a style that comes naturally.

Read more: Children's Etiquette for Making Introductions | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/info_12136471_childrens-etiquette-making-introductions.html#ixzz1l0JL5bla

The RSVP Institute of Etiquette 2012 Co-Ed, Sunday Youth Classes in Etiquette at Historic Graber Olive House in Ontario

Points for prizes are earned by lessons learned...

Sharing a laugh about bad telephone manners...

Working on dining skills...

  The RSVP Institute of Etiquette is pleased to now offer 2012 coed, Sunday youth classes in etiquette, manners & social skills, at the historic Graber Olive House in Ontario, beginning February 5th. The six one & a half hour classes, are $85.00 per student.  The fee covers all 9 hours of instruction, foods & handouts. Returning students are eligible for a discount!   

Youth Classes from 1:00 to 2:30 p.m.


The six 1 & 1/2 hour classes will focus on:
• Key Skills~ Basic Social Graces, incl. Introductions & Phone Manners
 
• Dining Skills and Table Manners (w/foods to practice dining skills) 
 
• Manners for Home & Abroad: Cultural Diversity & Respect for Others

• Deflecting Peer Pressure, Tech Etiquette, “Thank you" notes & RSVPs

• Tricks to developing great posture & grooming habits, & other tools that open doors, build friendships, make parents and teachers smile!
Instructors: Maura Graber and
                                 Demita Usher
Call RSVP Institute: 909 923-5650  
Outside 909 Area Code: 800 891-RSVP
Graber Olive House: 909-983-1761 
Email: mannersclass@gmail.com

Method of Payments accepted-Visa/MC/AX /Paypal  
Please email for Paypal instructions

The British Press vs Downton Abbey and Two Etiquette Sleuths; Historians or Hysterians?

As a fan of the first season of the critically acclaimed and popular Downton Abbey, I shared my DVD copy with fellow etiquette enthusiast, guest blogger and consultant, Demita Usher. She enjoyed it as thoroughly as I, and we have been waiting for the second season of the show to be broadcast in the U.S. As fans of the show, we have a few words for those making criticism in the British press.

Imagine our surprise upon seeing the following headline in The Daily Telegraph; Downton Abbey: historical inaccuracies and mistakes plaguing ITV show or this one in the U.K. Daily Mail; Downton shoots itself in the foot as gun enthusiast gives both barrels over historical inaccuracies

Historians, (or could they possibly be hysterians?), make numerous assertions regarding the historical accuracy of the series. One article quotes "historian and broadcaster, A.N. Wilson", as saying, "... the portrayal of country house life was sanitised fantasy."  Whereas Julian Fellowes, Oscar-winning creator of Downton Abbey, strongly defended the show's script by saying that he believes the "the programme is pretty accurate". Adding, "The real problem is with people who are insecure socially, and they think to show how smart they are by picking holes in the programme to promote their own poshness and to show that their knowledge is greater than your knowledge."  Indeed!

Now, we are not trying to be posh, nor do we want to show "how smart we are", we simply would like to defend Julian Fellowes, by providing a bit of historical perspective. As for those who are offering their comments and criticisms to the press regarding the authenticity of the clothing for a local hunt, the road sign, aerial attached to a house, etc... we won't quibble with you on those points.  We will simply discuss the criticism of cultural terminology and popular common phrases in use during the Edwardian period.

Hysterian Assertion #1- The word "boyfriend" was not used during this time.

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in the following: Official report of debates Council of Europe. Parliamentary Assembly, Council of Europe, page 470 (1895): "... from yesterday's edition of The Times of London which states, 'A woman who joined a company run by fundamentalist Christians was required to sign an undertaking that she would not live with her boyfriend."

From Wenderholme: A story of Lancashire and Yorkshire By Philip Gilbert Hamerton, Page 301, (1876): "This cheered Edith's heart considerably, but still there was a certain moisture in her eyes as she bade farewell to her boyfriend."

From The life and remains of Douglas Jerrold By Blanchard Jerrold, Douglas William Jerrold Page 331 (1859): "My early boyfriend, Laman Blanchard, and Kenny Meadows, a dear friend too, whose names have become musical in the world's ear, were of that society — of that knot of wise and jocund men ..."

Hysterian Assertion #2- The Phrase "get shafted" was not used until the 1960's.

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in the following from: Debates: official report, Volume 2, Canada House of Commons (1888): "I do not know what assurance can be given that people can be guaranteed that they do not get shafted, to the favour of some other group."

Hysterian Assertion #3- Footman Thomas Barrow, played by Rob James-Collier, used the words "get knotted" in the October 9 episode

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in: The Westminster Review, Volume 124, Page 402 (1885): In foreign affairs, when they get knotted, a Special Commissioner is appointed to report upon the situation, and to advise as to means of unravelling the tangled skein of affairs.

Hysterian Assertion #4- Head housemaid Anna Smith (Joanne Froggatt) told John Bates (Brendan Coyle) in last week's drama set in 1917 "So everything in the garden is rosy?"

Historian Actuality shows the phrase is found in the following from: Fraser's magazine, Volume 19 By Thomas Carlyle, page 606 (1879): He looked so rosy, so cheerful, so placid, such a picture of rewarded philosophy and virtue, surely he must be the happiest of mortals.

From: Vanity Fair: A novel without a hero, By William Makepeace Thackeray, Page 95, (1845): The honest Irish maid-servant, delighted with the change, asked leave to kiss the face that had grown all of a sudden so rosy.

From: The complete works of William Shakespeare By William Shakespeare, Johnson: Page 556, (1863): Me of my lawful pleasure she restrain'd, And pray'd me, oft, forbearance: did it with A pudenc-y so rosy, the sweet view on't Might vvelghave warm'd old Saturn; that I thought er As chaste as unsunn'd snow :—O, all the devils! (And Shakespeare actually wrote this over 200 years earlier!)

 

Hysterian Assertion #5- "... some viewers have baulked at the use of the word "boyfriend", as well as the concept of a "professional woman", which is used to describe a maid who wants to leave domestic service to become a secretary." We find the latter half of that statement most amusing, as there are so many, many references to the term "professional women" in newspapers and in books from the 1800s. Too many to choose from, so we picked the cream of the crop, and they are as follows...

Historian Actuality We will gladly cite all of them for any readers asking, but we feel that the article in an 1898 New York Times, referencing the spirited ongoing debate in the pages of U.K.'s The Daily Telegraph, titled "Should Wives Work?  Opinions of English Men & Women-What an American Woman Thinks About It" quite plainly spells it out, especially in the sixth paragraph in Part 1 posted here.  It quotes a British reader's comment in The Daily Telegraph, "Several professional women, talking sensibly of the subject, say that their business life will make them more careful in the choice of a husband ..."

Or then there is the article from New Zealand's The Auckland Star newspaper from 1899.  One of the paragraphs in a story by a London correspondent on the recent happenings at The International Women's Congress, London July 14 is actually titled "The Professional Woman".

So it makes us wonder what exactly qualifies contributors to be called "historians".  Demita Usher and I wouldn't dare refer to ourselves as "historians".  There is so much we do not know.  However, we are "history enthusiasts" and we certainly loved Downton Abbey here across the pond.  It is with great anticipation that we wait to watch the second season of the program, and in the meantime, comments made by your historians, or "hysterians" if you will, have kept us entertained while we wait.

But don't fret Great Britain, as I also stumbled onto this headline; Kate Middleton Named 2011's Best-Mannered Person, Kim Kardashian Slammed as "Most Ill-Mannered" Kudos to Kate!