Gilded Age Dinner Invitation Etiquette

 

Verbal invitations or replies should never be given for formal entertainments. R. S. V. P. should not be put on a dinner invitation. Every well-bred person knows an answer is necessary, and it is a reflection upon good manners to assume that no reply would be given if the request for it were omitted.

Etiquette for Dinner Party invitations from Mrs. Mary Ronald’s 1895 “Century Cookbook”

Invitations are sometimes sent out a month or three weeks in advance, but ordinarily two weeks is sufficient time to secure the guests one wishes to entertain. Courtesy requires a dinner invitation to be answered at once, certainly within twelve hours, but better in less time. This enables the hostess to fill the vacancy in case the invitation is declined. Unconventional people are sometimes unmindful of this obligation, but as a rule those who are accustomed to entertaining recognize the importance of a prompt reply, and answer a dinner invitation immediately.

It is well, when convenient, to send the invitation as well as the reply by hand, so that there may be no uncertainty of prompt delivery; to send either of them by post is, however, permissible.

The answer should be definite, and where a man and his wife are invited, if one of them is unable to accept, the invitation should be declined for both. An invitation should be precise in expression, therefore the prescribed form given below should be exactly followed. It does not belong to the order of social notes; it is simply a formal invitation, and an acceptance should be of the same character. 

Any deviation from the prescribed form is uncalled for and likely to cause criticism. In declining the invitation, however, it is considered more gracious to answer the formal note informally, and, by stating the reason, show that the regret is not merely a perfunctory expression.

Verbal invitations or replies should never be given for formal entertainments. R. S. V. P. should not be put on a dinner invitation. Every well-bred person knows an answer is necessary, and it is a reflection upon good manners to assume that no reply would be given if the request for it were omitted.

It is important also that the reply should repeat, in the same words as the invitation, the date and hour of the dinner, so, if any mistake has inadvertently been made, it may be corrected, thus establishing an exact understanding.

A dinner engagement is the most exacting of any social obligation, and no greater discourtesy can be shown than to break it except for serious cause. – Mrs. Mary Ronald's Century Cook Book, 1895

This article was originally published on the Etiquipedia.blogspot.com

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Gilded Age Dinner Host’s Duties

Above- Two gilded age or late 19th century, sterling silver, Saratoga Chip servers – One with a plain sterling bowl and the other with a gilded bowl to protect the silver from the salty potato chips.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
 Gilded silver, also called “silver gilt,” or “parcel gilt,” or “vermeil,” is a thin layer of gold on silver to beautify the flatware, or whatever the item may be, but more importantly, in my opinion, it is to protect the silver from corrosive elements it may encounter. Salt is extremely corrosive, as is citric acid or other acidic foods or beverages.

To perform faultlessly the honors of the table is one of the most difficult things in society; it might indeed be asserted, without much fear of contradiction, that no man has as yet ever reached exact propriety in his office as host. 

When he receives others, 

• He must be content to forget himself; 
• He must relinquish all desire to shine, and even all attempts to please his guests by conversation, and rather do all in his power to let them please one another.  
• Help ladies with a due appreciation of their delicacy, moderation, and fastidiousness of their appetites; and 
• Do not overload the plate of any person you serve.  
• Never pour gravy on a plate without permission.  It spoils the meat for some persons. 
• Do not insist upon your guests partaking of particular dishes; 
• Never ask persons more than once, and never put anything by force upon their plates. It is extremely ill-bred, though extremely common, to press one to eat of anything. 
• The host should never recommend or eulogize any particular dish; his guests will take it for granted that anything found at his table is excellent. 
• The most important maxim in hospitality is to leave every one to his own choice and enjoyment, and to free him from an ever-present sense of being entertained.  
• You should never send away your own plate until all your guests have finished. - From Samuel Wells’, “How to Behave,” 1887

Gilded Age Settings and Oysters

A Gilded Age, 6 course, formal place setting, set for oysters as the first course.

As “What Have We Here?” at 162 pages, is 4 times longer than “Reaching for the Right Fork,” I could not use every photograph I took for the book. It would be too long. I will therefore be occasionally adding some of the photos which were ultimately unused to my blog posts. Here is one above, showing a Gilded Age formal place setting, set for a first course of oysters. 

Oyster forks, or any cocktail forks, can be properly placed in 3 different ways:

1. As the first of 3 forks to the left of a setting.
2. At the far right of a place setting, laying flat on the table next to the soup spoon or first knife, whichever utensil to be used afterward.
3. Or resting at an angle, with the small tines resting in the bowl of the soup spoon.

In the setting above, the oyster fork rests at an angle in the soup spoon, or the 3rd option. This positioning was to help those dining at crowded Gilded Age tables deal with an ever-growing list of specialty utensils at each place setting. The fork on the far left of one setting could be mistaken for the first fork expected for many foods for the diner on the right. 

At the same time, the decision had just recently been made by the arbiters of good taste during that time period in the U.S., to no longer allow four forks on the left, but to limit them to three. Those not up to snuff on the most recent etiquette rules, whether hosting a dinner or as a guest at one, could be confused. Laying it at an angle with the tines resting in one’s soup spoon bowl, alerted that guest that the fork belonged to him or her and not the place setting to the right.

This below is a page from the book, “What Have We Here?”: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...

 

“What Have We Here?” is Here!

What Have We Here? The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...

I have spoken about writing this book for the last few years, and finally the book is now here, available on Amazon. It was a labor of love and I enjoyed every moment of photographing the items I carefully chose to write about, many of which are on the front cover. 

There is a lot of information on Gilded Age etiquette (in anticipation of the upcoming Julian Fellowes’ program now filming for HBO in New York 😉) along with Georgian Era and Regency Era etiquette, etc… The crazy thing is that it took me several weeks to receive my author copies, but during my wait, people around the world were posting the most wonderful reviews on Instagram! Especially in Italy, where I have made several new friends.  

Of course there are plenty of utensils in the book. Favorites are Edwardian era cayenne pepper spoons, like this sterling one example below, from 1905.

               

Gilded Age chocolate spoons with a chocolate muddler, demitasse-sized trembleuse and pots de creme cups.

Many other items which are not utensils, but were part of everyday lives, are shown coming from the 1700’s through the early 1900’s. And, of course, there is a lot of etiquette included throughout, including place settings and proper use of glasses and dishes.

The Graber Olive House and beautiful late Spring weather offered a perfect backdrop for much of my photography.

Etiquette for gloves and glove stretchers like this Bailey, Banks and Biddle, sterling silver glove stretcher in the form of a duck, is one of my favorite items. Gloves and glove etiquette figure prominently in the book. And the section on napkins and gloves in the Gilded Age with the appropriately named, “napkin burrito,” is a must read and see!

.

I want to thank all of the readers who have already purchased the book. Your incredible reviews online and Instagram have meant more than you know and make what I do all the more worthwhile!

May Van Alen Weds and Decides She is Not an American

“I have tried my best to persuade Mr. Thompson to leave New York and live in England, but so far without success,” said May Van Alen to custom officials at a hearing on October 16, 1913

May Van Alen Weds in London

Remember May Van Alen?  Continually dumping suitors and fiances, one of who committed suicide over her breaking their engagement, she was the granddaughter of the Astors and the eldest daughter of James J. Van Alen of New York and Newport Rhode Island.  In fact, the New York Times described her this way; "Miss Van Alen, as already stated, is the eldest daughter of James Van Alen.  She is a very odd, original girl, extremely clever, and with a reputation for slight eccentricity."  It goes on to say how the lives of all three Van Alen "children has not been of the happiest, not withstanding their money and their lineage."  

The article went on to remind readers of the Van Alen's mother's death shortly after giving birth to her youngest child, Sarah, and how James Van Alen took his brood overseas for an education.  In the same article, it states about May Van Alen, "She is not pretty, but is chic and dresses in a very conspicuous and Parisian manner.  She has an excited manner in talk and a fondness for saying startling things."  Not a very flattering portrait of a young society girl in America's Gilded Age.

May Van Alen finally did marry.  She married one Griswold Thompson in a private ceremony in St. George’s, Hanover Square in London, on September 24, 1913. The ceremony was conducted with the greatest level of secrecy and included a modest ten persons as guests. Never mind the fact that the wedding was actually scheduled for that coming Sunday.  Odd?  Yes.  But May Van Alen left many people in her wake, even invited guests it seems. The strict etiquette of the day, and even the much lamented relaxed etiquette of today, would more than frown on inviting one's guests to a wedding, then marrying in secrecy just days before the date one's guests have planned to attend.  Was the newspaper article their guests only notice?  Or were they sent cards or notes of explanation?

May Van Alen was one odd duck, in a small pond of wealthy socialites in America's Gilded Age. I doubt anyone said anything public against her, though in private circles, she was probably gossiped about profusely and regularly. 

"Costumes Parisienes" Afternoon Dress for 1913

Why the secrecy and rush? She would give no details, nor would she even give out the address in London where she's been staying, to those who wished to send gifts. The news account says that following the private ceremony, the couple quickly left the church and headed for a tour of England. Many speculated into the speed of the marriage and the closed-mouth handling of details for the ceremony. The new York Times article does state that Griswold Thompson lived in England, "at one time." It also mentioned that May's and Griswold's engagement had been announced in the Times back in June of 1913. It gave Grisworld's bond and investment business address as "500 Fifth Avenue" in New York, and his residence as "16 East Sixtieth Street" in New York. 

The Arabic was torpedoed and sunk by German u-boat U 24, on August 16, 1915

Eleven months later, Van Alen-Thompson was testifying at a hearing with custom authorities in Boston, regarding taxes due on items brought back with her to the United States on The Arabic. According to Van Alen, she was a foreign resident and for many years had made her permanent home with her father in Northhamptonshire, England. As a result, the 25 trunks containing jewelry, furs and other fine articles, (as well as the magnificent fur and jewels worn by her maid, underneath her clothing and hidden in a belt, no less) should enter America duty free. At the conclusion of the hearing, May Van Alen begrudgingly paid the duties, although she was able to prove that some of the jewelry and wearing apparel were purchased in the United States prior to her departure from the country. Surprisingly, this was all eventually overturned on appeal! If she was a citizen of England, why all the theatrics to hide her gems, fur, etc... ? Even more surprising to me? No one has written a book or done a movie on this family. At least not a book or movie that I can find!

Surprisingly, this was all eventually overturned on appeal! If she was a citizen of England, why all the theatrics to hide her gems, fur, etc... ? Even more surprising to me? No one has written a book or done a movie on this family.  At least not one that I can find!

Remember, this series of recent blog posts on the Gilded Age in America, originally started with an article on "Miss Leary's Dinner Party" and I was curious about the guests the party was honoring.  First finding an odd article about the curious super fast marriage of Sarah Van Alen, I then stumbled onto the even more curious and baffling May Van Alen. (Above) Part of an article "Some Summer Gowns" featuring Sara Van Alen-Collier, the full column is at the bottom of this post.

On Gilded Aged Fashion and Style:

The hobble skirt below, touted as the "Latest Freak in Woman's Fashion,"caught on quickly. This style remained the height of fashion until around 1915. 

 SURE SIGN OF WOMAN’S EMANCIPATION IN THE INCREASED SIZE OF HER SHOES: Because She Swims, Walks, Plays Golf and Tennis and Works for a Living, She Can No Longer Pose as Wasp-Waisted and Tiny-Footed. So...  Larger feet caught on too, evidently!

All of these fashion articles can be found online and downloaded as PDFs from the New York Times' Archives

Gilded Age Etiquette

  The Gilded Age unofficially is believed to be the period between 1870-1900. "Gilding" is to cover, or coat, with gold, as many silver items were at the time. The period also got its name from the title of a book. "The Gilded Age: A Tale of Today" was an 1873 novel by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner

Macaroni Server with Gilded Bowl & Tines, c 1880 

The Breakers Dining Room, Newport R.I.

A young man or a young woman, unaccustomed to the settled observances of such occasions, can hardly pass through a severer ordeal than a formal dinner.  Its terrors, however, are often greatly magnified.  Such a knowledge of the principal points of table etiquette as you may acquire from this book, complete self-possession, habits of observation, and a fair share of practical good sense, will carry one safely if not pleasantly through it.  You may entertain the opinion that such dinners, and formal parties in general, are tiresome affairs, and that there might be quite as much real courtesy and a great deal more enjoyment with less ceremony, and we may entirely agree with you; but what is, and not what might be, is the point to be elucidated. We are to take society as we find it. 

You may, as a general rule, decline invitations to dinner parties without any breach of good manners, and without giving offense, if you think that neither your enjoyment nor your interests will be promoted by accepting; or you may not go into what is technically called "society" at all, and yet you are liable, at a hotel, on board a steamer, or on some extraordinary occasion, to be placed in a position in which ignorance of dinner etiquette will be very mortifying and the information contained in this section be worth a hundred times the cost of the book.

We now proceed to note the common routine of a fashionable dinner, as laid down in books and practiced in polite society. On some points usage is not uniform, but varies in different
countries, and even in different cities in the same country, as well as in different circles in the same place. For this reason you must not rely wholly upon this or any other manners book, but, keeping your eyes open and your wits about you, wait and see what others do, and follow the prevailing mode.

Dinner Etiquette

1. Invitations.

Invitations to a dinner are usually issued several days before the appointed time—the length of time being proportioned to the grandeur of the occasion. On receiving one, you should answer at once, addressing the lady of the house. You should either accept or decline unconditionally, as they will wish to know whom to expect, and make their preparations accordingly.

2. Dress.

You must go to a dinner party in "full dress." Just what this is, is a question of time and place. Strictly interpreted, it allows gentlemen but little choice.  A black dress coat and trowsers (sic), a black or white vest and cravat, white gloves, and pumps and silk stockings were formerly rigorously insisted upon. But the freedom-loving "spirit of the age" has already made its influence felt even in the realms of fashion, and a little more latitude is now allowed in most circles. 

The "American Gentleman's Guide" enumerates the essentials of a gentleman's dress for occasions of ceremony in general, as follows: 

"A stylish, well-fitting cloth coat, of some dark color and of unexceptionable quality, nether garments to correspond, or in warm weather, or under other suitable circumstances, white pants of a fashionable material and make, the finest and purest linen, embroidered in white, if at all; a cravat and vest of some dark or neutral tint, according to the physiognomical peculiarities of the wearer and the prevailing mode; an entirely fresh-looking, fashionable black hat, and carefully-fitted modish boots, white gloves, and a soft, thin, white handkerchief."

A lady's "full dress" is not easily defined, and fashion allows her greater scope for the exercise of her taste in the selection of materials, the choice of colors, and the style of making. Still, she must "be in the fashion."

3. Punctuality.

Never allow yourself to be a minute behind the time. The dinner can not be served till all the guests have arrived. If it is spoiled through your tardiness, you are responsible not only to your inviter (sic), but to his outraged guests. Better be too late for the steamer or the railway train than for a dinner!

4. Going to the Table.

When dinner is announced, the host rises and requests all to walk to the dining-room, to which he leads the way, having given his arm to the lady who, from age or any other consideration, is entitled to precedence. Each gentleman offers his arm to a lady, and all follow in order.  If you are not the principal guest, you must be careful not to offer your arm to the handsomest or most distinguished lady.

5. Arrangement of Guests.

Where rank or social position are regarded (and where are they not to some extent?), the two most distinguished gentlemen are placed next the mistress of the house, and the two most distinguished ladies next the master of the house. The right hand is especially the place of honor. If it is offered to you, you should not refuse it. It is one of the first and most difficult things properly to arrange the guests, and to place them in such a manner that the conversation may always be general during the entertainment. If the number of gentlemen is nearly equal to that of the ladies, we should take care to intermingle them. We should separate husbands from their wives, and remove near relations as far from one another as possible, because being always together they ought not to converse among themselves in a general party.

6. Duties of the Host.

To perform faultlessly the honors of the table is one of the most difficult things in society; it might indeed be asserted, without much fear of contradiction, that no man has as yet ever reached exact propriety in his office as host. When he receives others, he must be content to forget himself; he must relinquish all desire to shine, and even all attempts to please his guests by conversation, and rather do all in his power to let them please one another.  Help ladies with a due appreciation of their delicacy, moderation, and fastidiousness of their appetites; and do not overload the plate of any person you serve.  Never pour gravy on a plate without permission.  It spoils the meat for some persons. Do not insist upon your guests partaking of particular dishes; never ask persons more than once, and never put anything by force upon their plates. It is extremely ill-bred, though extremely common, to press one to eat of anything. The host should never recommend or eulogize any particular dish; his guests will take it for granted that anything found at his table is excellent. The most important maxim in hospitality is to leave every one to his own choice and enjoyment, and to free him from an ever-present sense of being entertained.  You should never send away your own plate until all your guests have finished.

7. Duties of the Guests.

Gentlemen must be assiduous but not officious in their attentions to the ladies. See that they lack nothing, but do not seem to watch them.  If a "grace" is to be asked, treat the observance with respect.  Good manners require this, even if veneration fails to suggest it.  Soup will come first.  You must not decline it; because nothing else can be served till the first course is finished, and to sit with nothing before you would be awkward.  But you may eat as little of it as you choose.  The host serves his left-hand neighbor first, then his right hand, and so on till all are served. Take whatever is given you, and do not offer it to your neighbor; and begin at once to eat. You must not suck soup into your month, blow it, or send for a second plate.  

The second course is fish, which is to be eaten with a fork, and without vegetables.  The last part of this injunction does not, of course, apply to informal dinners, where fish is the principal dish.  Fish, like soup, is served but once. When you have eaten what you wish, you lay your fork on your plate, and the waiter removes it.  

The third course brings the principal dishes—roast and boiled meats, fowl, etc., which are followed by game.  There are also side dishes of various kinds.  At dessert, help the ladies near you to whatever they may require. Serve strawberries with a spoon, but pass cherries, grapes, or peaches for each to help himself with his fingers. You need not volunteer to pare an apple or a peach for a lady, but should do so, of course, at her request, using her fork or some other than your own to hold it.  We have said in our remarks on table manners in general, in a previous chapter, that in sending your plate for anything, you should leave your knife and fork upon it.  

For this injunction we have the authority of most of the books on etiquette, as well as of general usage. There seems also to be a reason for the custom in the fact, that to hold them in your hand would be awkward, and to lay them on the table-cloth might soil it; but the author of the "American Gentleman's Guide," whose acquaintance with the best usage is not to be questioned, says that they should be retained, and either kept together in the hand, or rested upon your bread, to avoid soiling the cloth. Eat deliberately and decorously (there can be no harm in repeating this precept), masticate your food thoroughly, and beware of drinking too much ice-water.  If your host is not a "temperance man," that is, one pledged to total abstinence, wine will probably be drunk.  You can of course decline, but you must do so courteously, and without any reflection upon those who drink.  You are not invited to deliver a temperance lecture. 

Where finger-glasses are used, dip the tips of your fingers in the water and wipe them on your napkin; and wet a corner of the napkin and wipe your mouth.  Snobs sometimes wear gloves at table.  It is not necessary that you should imitate them. The French fashion of having the principal dishes carved on a side-table, and served by attendants, is now very generally adopted at ceremonious dinners in this country, but few gentlemen who go into company at all can safely count upon never being called upon to carve, and the art is well worth acquiring. Ignorance of it sometimes places one in an awkward position. You will find directions on this subject in almost any cook-book; you will learn more, however, by watching an accomplished carver than in any other way. 

Do not allow yourself to be too much engrossed in attending to the wants of the stomach, to join in the cheerful interchange of civilities and thoughts with those near you. We must leave a hundred little things connected with a dinner party unmentioned; but what we have said here, together with the general canons of eating laid down in Chapter VI, (Section 7, "Table Manners"), and a little observation, will soon make you a proficient in the etiquette of these occasions, in which, if you will take our advice, you will not participate very frequently. An informal dinner, at which you meet two or three friends, and find more cheer and less ceremony, is much to be preferred. – From 1887,  Samuel Well's,"How to Behave"

The Account of Miss Leary's Gilded Age Dinner Party

"It was like a vision of fairyland when the guests left the dinner table and stepped on to the piazza and then to the garden.  The trees were ablaze with illuminations of every description, the walks being outlined with lamps of various colors.  Two large tents were erected at each side of the lawn, one for the men to smoke in the other where coffee was served to the ladies.  Japanese umbrellas were distributed about the lawn, which was completely covered with Turkish rugs." 

That is the opening of the story (shown below) which ran in the New York Times, September 4, 1900.  Miss Leary evidently had a desire to create a festive and global theme for the evening.  According to the Times, Miss Leary's party in Newport, was "one of the largest of the season" and it was held at her "cottage," which I imagine was a fairly good size. 

 The guest list was full of debutantes of the day, and the Newport elite.  The dinner was held in the honor of  "Miss Van Alen, and her sister Miss Sarah Van Alen, the daughters of James J. Van Alen."  The name "Van Alen" sounded familiar, so on a lark I decided to look  the Van Alens up.  That is when this simple article about a dinner party in 1900 changed into something completely different.

James J. Van Alen

Sportsman and politician James J. Van Alen commissioned
Charles Eamer Kempe and Dudley Newton to design and build "Wakehurst".

The Van Alens were not your run of the mill family.  This blog post is part one, of I am hoping just 2 or 3 parts.  Otherwise, I will never get any sleep.  I have been at this for several nights now. 

He was appointed Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to Italy on October 20, 1893, but declined the appointment

Van Alen was a widower, and according to many accounts, spent much of his time after the death of his wife in a depression.  From other accounts of his travel and social life, he seemed to be quite the ladies man and very outgoing.

Emily Astor Van Alen

 Here is what I found on Van Alen under Virginia University website's "Class & Leisure" Section on him.

James J. Van Alen (1846-1923) was a sportsman, politician, and member of an old-monied New York railroad family. Van Alen solidified his status as a member of upper-class society by marrying Emily Astor, daughter of society matron Caroline Schermerhorn Astor and William Backhouse Astor Jr.
 
Like many upper-class Americans, Van Alen was fond of English culture and architecture. In 1882, he hired English architect Charles Eamer Kempe to design Wakehurst (1884-1887), a stone Tudor mansion modeled after Wakehurst Place, an English country estate in Sussex, England. The mansion stood at Ochre Point in Newport, Rhode Island.
 
Newport architect Dudley Newton oversaw construction of Wakehurst. Rooms were designed and constructed in England, then imported to Newport. The rooms featured English tapestries, antiques, and accessories. Landscape architect Ernest Bowditch, a student of Frederick Law Olmsted, designed the grounds.
 
Van Alen was known as a charming host who enjoyed speaking in Tudor English. An avid yachtsman, Van Alen joined fellow Newporters Edith Wharton and her husband Edward R. (Teddy) Wharton on a four-month Mediterranean cruise aboard The Vanadis in 1888.
 
Wakehurst is now part of the campus of Salve Regina University.

The website breaks down the class structure of the era

Part 2 of my post continues tomorrow, with a Van Alen wedding and a section on Gilded Age Etiquette...