On Etiquette and Acting Civilized

Etiquette: It's not just about which fork to use.
(Above~ Beautiful, antique French melon forks)

Etiquette is, in point of fact, nothing more nor less than the law, written and unwritten, which regulates the society of civilized people, distinguishing them from the communities of barbarous tribes, whose lives are hard and their manners still harder. 

It is to a well disciplined and refined mind the fundamental principle of action in all intercourse with society, and they are interested in maintaining it in its integrity, and bound to heed and obey its simplest as well as more formal precepts. 

The real law-giver is the general convenience, speaking with authority and the experience of many years; and it will be found that even in those cases, where the meaning of its rules may be somewhat obscure at first sight, there is an underlying reason for the regulation laid down. by Sarah Annie Frost, 1869

The Pitfalls of First-Time Dinner Parties

David Copperfield attempting to carve at the table, but failing miserably as his wife, helpful dog right beside the meat, and his guest look on. Utensils and plates fall from the table, the dining area is in complete disarray... I guess maybe we have all had some miserable first attempts at hosting a dinner party. Here's hoping everyone's Thanksgiving dinners and celebrations come off more smoothly!

“OUR HOUSEKEEPING”

Charles Dickens’s picturesque story of the life of David Copperfield is a classic tale. When Copperfield marries his childlike bride, Dora, they set up housekeeping. Dora has few domestic skills and very little common sense, however. One of their first attempts at housekeeping was to invite David’s good friend Tommy Traddles to dinner. Dickens’s description of the ensuing scene is one of the most amusing dining scenes in English literature. Copperfield starts to recount the evening: “I could not have wished for a prettier little wife at the opposite end of the table,” but the table, and the entire room, are hopelessly cramped and cluttered. Their dog, Jip, is another distraction:

I could have wished ... that Jip had never been encouraged to walk about the table-cloth during dinner. I began to think there was something disorderly in his being there at all, even if he had not been in the habit of putting his foot in the salt or the melted-butter. On this occasion he seemed to think he was introduced expressly to keep Traddles at bay; and he barked at my old friend, and made short runs at his plate ...

All of this is quite hilarious and is captured in the illustration. Another problem in the ill-fated meal is that Copperfield fails in his attempt to carve the “boiled leg of mutton.” Carving was most often reserved for the master of the house or for distinguished guests. All gentlemen were expected to know the exact way to carve any dish before them. Etiquette books at that time were full of carving instructions for every type of fowl or animal. As he struggles with the joint of meat, Copperfield asks Dora about another dish at the table. Dora had innocently purchased a little barrel of oysters. In the mid-19th century, oyster-knives, and all other appropriate flatware, were laid on all of the best tables to suit a host's and hostess' menu. Alas, the Copperfields “had no oyster-knives—and couldn’t have used them if we had; so we looked at the oysters and ate the mutton.”

The Personal History of David Copperfield was originally published in London in serial parts in 1849-50.

Teaching Children Etiquette in the 19th and 20th Centuries

Teaching children etiquette is an art, as well as, a science.  These patented items below, are for teaching children how to eat properly and designed to instill good table manners. The patents show a historical standpoint of attempting to not only design but teach. And the rules still do matter today. Enjoy!

 

Oh... and for all those who have emailed me; Next post will be a continuation of the fabulously fickle, Miss May Van Alen, and her wild, Gilded Age romance saga.

These 2 forks were specifically designed to teach a child how to eat properly.  You nay be thinking, "Those are simply 'youth-sized' forks." And they are youth sized forks, but looking on the back sides of them, tells another story...

I have lightened the photo up a bit, so that you can see top one reads, "For the Left Hand".  The lower fork has a "finger guide" for a child to place his or her finger into, though the artist at the time, drew the illustration with the wrong hand using the fork.

A "child training fork" in the left hand

Eliza showing correct hands for the knife and fork, while still practicing technique.  The plate below was designed with a variety of children added to the plate as it was made.  All have marked where a child's fork and spoon would go, however the patent itself is vague.

"Etiquette spoons," a training fork and other youth utensils.

 

Though these spoons were not new, being marketed as "Etiquette Spoons" was new in the late 1800s.

Sometimes Humorous, Yet Very Real, Victorian Manners of American Society, Circa 1869

Back in June, I posted a portion of an etiquette book by Sarah Annie Frost.  As I am under the weather, so to speak, I am posting more from her 1869 book. Oftentimes funny, but supposedly strictly followed, these are rules of etiquette for "Society" in 1869...  

 

Frost's Laws and By-Laws of American Society 

by Sarah Annie Frost 1869

On dining in 1869-

If you make any general remark, do not look up at the waiters to see what effect it has upon them. If they are well-trained they will not move a muscle at hearing the most laughable story, nor will they give any sign whatever that they have not closed their ears like deaf adders to all that has been going on. In any case, however, you must refrain from noticing them.

If you want anything, take the occasion of a waiter being near to you, to ask for it in an undertone. To shout out "Waiter!" or

order one about, as if you were in a restaurant, is a certain mark of ill-breeding.

Unless the party is a very small one, general conversation is

impossible. In such a case, you must converse with those on either side of you, not confining your remarks exclusively to one.

Talk in a low, quiet tone, but never in a whisper.  To affect an air of mystery or secrecy at a dinner-table, is an insult to your companion and company assembled.

It is in bad taste to force the attention of the company upon

yourself by loud talking or loud laughing.

Too many jokes or anecdotes are in bad taste, but the subjects for conversation should not be too serious.

Any gentleman propounding a conundrum at the dinner-table deserves to be taken away by the police.

To use one's own knife, spoon or fingers, instead of the

butter knife, sugar-tongs or salt-spoons, is to persuade the

company that you have never seen the latter articles before, and are unacquainted with their use.

Never eat all that is on your plate, and above all never be guilty of the gaucherie of scraping your plate, or passing your bread over it as if to clean it.

Never fill your mouth so full that you cannot converse; at the

same time avoid the appearance of merely playing with your food.

Eat in small mouthfuls, and rather slowly than rapidly.

Peel fruit with a silver knife in your right. Eat it in small slices cut from the whole fruit, but never bite it, or anything else at

table. Need I say no fruit should ever be sucked at the table.

 If upon opening fruit you find it is not perfect, or there is a

worm in it, pass your plate quietly and without remark to the

waiter, who will bring you a clean one.

None but a low-bred clown will ever carry fruit or bon bons

away from the table.

Drinking wine with people is an old custom, but it will nowadays be found to exist only among the past or passing generation. 

When the hostess thinks her lady friends have taken as much

dessert as they wish, she catches the eye of the principal among them; an interchange of ocular telegraphing takes place, the hostess rises, and with her all the company rise; the gentlemen make a passage for the ladies to pass; the one who is nearest to the door opens it, and holds it open until all the ladies have passed out of the room.

As soon as the ladies have retired the gentlemen may resume their seats for more wine and conversation, but it is a very poor compliment to the lady guests to linger long in the dining-room.

The ladies upon leaving the dining-room, retire to the drawing-room, and occupy themselves until the gentlemen again join them.

It is well for the hostess to have a reserve force for this

interval, of photographic albums, stereoscopes, annuals, new

music, in fact, all the ammunition she can provide to make this often tedious interval pass pleasantly.

If you dine in the French fashion, the gentlemen rise with the

ladies, each offering his arm to the lady he escorted to dinner,

and all proceed to the drawing-room together.

If the gentlemen remain to have coffee served in the dining-room, tea may be served in the drawing-room to the ladies.

Upon returning to the drawing-room the gentlemen should never cluster round the door, but join the ladies at once, striving to repay the hospitality of the hostess by making themselves as agreeable as possible to the guests.

From two to three hours after dinner is the proper time to leave the house. 

19th Century Etiquette for Australians

From the Etiquette Library-

 

Table Manners & Etiquette for Australians, 1885

It is of the highest importance that all persons should conduct themselves with the strictest  regard to good breeding, even in the privacy of their own homes, when at table ; a neglect of such observances will render one stiff and awkward in society. There  are so many little points to be observed, that unless a person  is habitually accustomed to observe them, he unconsciously commits some error, or will appear awkward and constrained upon occasions when it is important to be fully at ease. To be thoroughly at ease at such times is only acquired by the habitual practice of good manners at the table, and is the result of proper home training. 

It is the duty of parents to accustom their children, by example as well as by precept, to be attentive and polite to each other at every meal, as well as to observe proper rules of etiquette, and if they do so, they need never fear that they will be rude or awkward when they go abroad. Even when persons habitually eat alone, they should pay due regard to the rules of etiquette, for by so doing they form habits of ease and gracefulness which are requisite in refined circles...

Tea Calling-Card Australian Etiquette, 1885

It is the duty of the hostess to see that the ladies are accompanied to the piano ; that the leaves of the music are turned for them, and that they are conducted to their seats again. When not intimately acquainted with them, the hostess should join in expressing gratification. The dress at a musical matinee is the same as at a reception, only bonnets are more generally dispensed with. Those who have taken part, often remain for a hot supper.

Parties in the Country

Morning and afternoon parties in the country, or at watering-places, are of a less formal character than in cities. The hostess introduces such of her guests as she thinks most likely to be mutually agreeable. Music or some amusement is essential to the success of such parties.

Sunday Hospitalities

In this country it is not expected that persons will call after informal hospitalities extended on Sunday. All gatherings on that day ought to be informal. No dinner parties are given on Sunday, or. at least, they are not considered as good form in good society.