April Etiquette Classes in Ontario

It’s never too early or too late to start developing good manners in your student!

The RSVP Institute of Etiquette has resumed co-ed etiquette classes at the historic Graber Olive House in Ontario California for 2023! 

Co-ed Beginner, Mixed-Youth class, ages 8 -13 will be held Sunday, April 2nd from 2 to 4 p.m.

An Advanced class for Mixed Ages is being held from 12:30 to 2:30 on Saturday, April 22nd. 

*We will be focusing on Restaurant Manners and Manners for Home, Travel and even Abroad in this class!

We will have a Beginner Mixed Ages Youth class, on Sunday, April 23rd from 1 to 3 p.m.

We will be holding a Teen Only Etiquette Class with a date to be determined soon. Lunch is served at all classes.

We always focus on the vital social skills young people need to get ahead in life, but we also reinforce the following subjects:

• Table Graces, Table Manners, Place Settings
• Introductions, Responses and Greetings 
• Respect for Others & Polite Conversation
• Deflecting Peer Pressure and Using Tact 
• Tech, Social Media and Mobile Manners
• Notes of “Thanks,” RSVPs and Regrets
• Making Eye Contact, Great Posture, Good Grooming and more

 

The price is only $60.00 per student. Foods are served to practice dining skills and handouts or books will be given to the students. 

Call or text Maura Graber at The RSVP Institute of Etiquette at  800-891- RSVP or 909 923-5650 to secure your registration.

Pre-payment by Check, Cash or PayPal is required.

Food Service Etiquette and Styles

Service with a smile is more important than which side the food is served from, but it helps to have a server with both the smile and the knowledge!
-Image source, photo of a page in Town and Country Magazine, 2013

Ever since we were shutdown (just for a few weeks to flatten the curve) back in March of 2020, I have received weekly emails and phone calls with the same types of question… “When will you be teaching or giving seminars again?” “When will you be having another tea and talk?” “When will the Olive House be reopened?” I have been giving pretty much the same answer this whole time… “I’m not sure.”

Yes, there was that brief window when I scheduled private group classes, book signings, teas, etc… back in July. Then, I found out I was not only sick, but contagious. I had to cancel everything, including a long planned, talk and Zoom presentation for the Ontario Museum of History and Art. I was crushed and just now am getting better. I am starting to believe classes will be back up and running for October and the museum presentation will, fingers crossed, be in person on November 6th. We’re even hoping to have a tea along with the presentation. I have to follow the heath department rules, however, as does the Olive House, so I have been looking online to see what that will entail.

I was pleased to find this article below on the State Food Safety website. It’s a great article from 2014 on serving food at the table. I get asked about the etiquette for this on a regular basis, but I always have to warn whomever I am speaking with that not all servers are trained in such skills, and there are several different serving styles now in use. Also, most restaurant staff here in the U.S. do not look upon such a job as a career, but as part-time work on the ladder up to something better.   This on Etiquipedia© is an excellent article on varying food service styles, from British Service to Homestyle Service. The new “French Service” has its own article.

I do restaurant and country club staff training, but can’t reach every establishment. And what with many restaurants shuttered permanently, due to this COVID beast we weren’t prepared for, I’m not sure when I will be doing such training again any time soon. The turnover of servers is high and right now, restaurants are desperate for staff. It’s a difficult situation. This article is perfect for the current state of things so I am posting it here for my readers.

Is Left Right?

What side do you serve from?

The correct way to serve food is probably unknown to your customers, but vital to you. This technique requires you place the dishes in front of the customers and take them away from the proper side. Doing so will enhance their overall dining experience.

Chef Albrich, an Austrian-born fine dining expert, suggests that the traditional method of placing dishes from the left and removing them from the right is not always the best way to serve guests. According to him, the custom of serving guests from the left started long ago when food for meals would come out on large trays. Empty plates would be placed in front of guests from the left side, then each one of the plates would be filled with food in their place from the large tray.

“But if you are like most people today and have the plates presented to your guests with the food already on it, nicely displayed and decorated, then it should be served from the right, and it is incorrect to serve it from the left,” Chef Albrich says.

He goes on to outline which foods can be properly delivered from each side of the guest.

Serve from the left

If the place where you work gives its guests empty plates and later fills them at the table, those plates should be given to the customer from the left side. Sides such as vegetables and bread can also be delivered from the left and they should also be removed from the left.

Serve from the right

If the customer’s plate is arranged in the kitchen it should be delivered to them from the right side. Pre-plated food (considering the exceptions above), beverages, all empty plates, and utensils should be served from the guest’s right. All dishes served from the right need to also be removed from the right.

Once again, it is likely that many of your customers won’t know which side is correct when you serve them; however, there is a proper way to serve dishes and you never know when you’ll have a dining expert in your midst! —Jeremy Howard

This post was originally published in November 2014 and has been updated for freshness, accuracy, and comprehensiveness.

Etiquette and Reaching That Right Fork

 
How many of my utensils can you name? Pictured above are a British bread fork, a cold meat serving fork, a butter fork, a butter pick, a large hot meat serving fork, a Mexican mango fork, a cucumber server, a lemon serving fork, a small hot meat fork, a youth spoon, a bacon serving fork, a potato serving fork, a youth fork, a melon fork, a pickle castor fork, a British sardine fork, a sugar spoon, an ice cream fork, and an olive serving fork and spoon.
            

There was an oft used phrase when I was growing up, which inferred that someone was “well-bred,” or in some way more refined than I ever hoped to be. It meant someone was beyond polite, had special knowledge of the social graces, or was not only well-mannered, but exhibited a special level of “class” which only a few could hope to exhibit. The phrase was, “She knows the correct fork to use.” or “He knows the correct fork to use.” 

It always seemed an odd phrase to me, seeing as the one thing I enjoyed doing that had anything to do with the social graces, was setting the table. I knew the correct forks, knives and spoons to use, but that knowledge did not make me polite or socially distinguished in any way, shape or form. In fact, I didn’t even know how to use them correctly or gracefully, until I was given instructions by my tremendously helpful, Aunt Virginia, back when I was in junior high school.

What I didn’t realize until I was older and more self-confident, was that knowing the correct fork to use, and being able to use utensils gracefully, allows people to relax more at social functions. And when people feel relaxed socially, especially when dining with others in public, those people are less likely to feel self-conscious. The opposite of what I describe, feeling socially self-conscious, can lead to overindulgence in alcohol, reverting to bad habits, or doing and saying inappropriate things in an effort to sound witty or impress others. 

I know one woman who, when feeling self-conscious at public events, will start arguments with those around her. Another’s husband will start speaking in odd accents that sound ridiculous, but his wife cannot get him to stop. Many years ago, a friend explained her problem with alcohol to me over dinner in a restaurant by saying, “When I start to drink a glass of wine, I immediately feel like I fit in... Like I am sexier, funnier, smarter and prettier!” I remember responding with, “When I drink a glass of wine, I usually feel sleepy.” But I was thinking to myself, “Thank God I don’t need alcohol to make me feel any of those things!” 

I felt as if I had discovered the secret. I had already cracked that code. I had developed they key to feeling as if I not only fit seamlessly in to any social situation, but that I added something to the group with whom I was socializing. I had started feeling less self-conscious publicly the moment I started learning basic social graces, which is why I started teaching etiquette so long ago.

Don’t get me wrong... I can still feel a bit intimidated now and then, especially as I have gotten older. But I don’t let it show if I am feeling self-conscious. I know how to control that and still have an enjoyable time. I can laugh at myself and not feel like an outsider. I learned the necessary etiquette. Not all at once, and not everything there is to know, but I can always look things up. It’s one of the reasons I began teaching etiquette nearly 30 years ago. It’s why I continue to maintain the Etiquipedia – an online Etiquette Encyclopedia.  

The post below is one originally posted on Etiquipedia after my last book was published. It’s a list of correct utensil usage from the book, “Reaching for the Right Fork.”

Using Your Utensils

Using “first” forks — Cocktail forks, oyster forks, escargot forks, and the like, are used with the right hand only. If snail or escargot tongs are being used, they are held in the left hand to hold the snail shell in place.

All spoons are used with the right hand, including individual caviar spoons and caviar spades.

Using dessert forks alone— Pie forks, ice cream forks, fruit forks can all properly used in the right hand, if no cutting with a knife is involved, with one notable ex-ception being the mango fork. A mango fork is held in the left hand while using a fruit knife or fruit spoon in the right hand.

Using dessert spoons alone — Ice cream, pots de crème, and other soft desserts eaten with spoons in the right hand.

Using a dessert fork and spoon together — Dessert eaten using 2 utensils is nearly always done in the Continental style, except this is done with a fork and spoon as opposed to with a fork and knife. The fork is held in the left hand with tines facing down, and the spoon is held in the right hand. The fork is used to hold or keep a dessert in place as the spoon cuts off small bites. This works well with desserts such as Baked Alaska or certain types of cakes.

An exception to this rule is pie or cake, à la mode. These are both eaten with a dessert fork and spoon. The spoon is used to cut and then place a bite of cake or pie and a bit of ice cream on the fork, which is held in the right hand and used to eat the dessert.

For all other dining with a knife and fork, the fork is in the left hand and the knife in the right when dining in the Continental style.

Fork tines point down for all cutting and eating in Continental dining, save for stringy pasta.

Fork tines point down only for cutting food, in the American style of dining.

From the book, Reaching for the Right Fork... the evolution of tabletop utensil 

Etiquette Sleuth and Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Restaurant Table Manners and Tykes

When these rules were first written...

Cellphones in restaurants? "Hang on... Grandma's talking." "Yes, Grandma? What? It's not good manners to talk on my cellphone in the restaurant? Okay. I'll just text instead."

This was not only inconceivable, but unthinkable...

New Youth and Teen Etiquette Classes at the Historic Graber Olive House in So. California

Learning Best Techniques for Eating Spaghetti

The RSVP Institute of Etiquette offers coed youth courses, on Sundays, at the Historic Graber Olive House in Ontario.  Please call about available class times and prices.
 

Instructional Handouts Given Out at Each Class Session

Challenging, Tasty Foods Served Each Week

 Course fees include all foods  and all of instructional handouts.
         
       Questions? Email mannersclass@gmail.com

       Call RSVP at: 909 923-5650 

Outside 909 Area Code: 800-891-RSVP

Using a Knife and Fork Properly

Mastering the Use of a Fork

Even Cheeseburgers Challenge Knives and Forks

How Are You With Corn on the Cob?

Classes Focus on Key Skills;  
• Introductions and Proper Responses
• Dining Skills and Table Manners
• Manners for Home or Abroad
• Cultural Diversity and Respect for Others 
• Deflecting Peer Pressure, Tech Etiquette
• Writing Proper Notes of “Thanks"   
• Developing Good Eye Contact, Great Posture    
• Grooming Habits for the Polite Person
• Internet Manners, Cell Phone Manners and Text  Manners
•Advanced Manners and Dining Techniques

All the vital tools that will open doors, build friendships and assist with smooth sailing through life's social pitfalls!

The Historic Graber Olive House is located at: 315 E. Fourth Street, Ontario 91764     

Gilded Age Etiquette

  The Gilded Age unofficially is believed to be the period between 1870-1900. "Gilding" is to cover, or coat, with gold, as many silver items were at the time. The period also got its name from the title of a book. "The Gilded Age: A Tale of Today" was an 1873 novel by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner

Macaroni Server with Gilded Bowl & Tines, c 1880 

The Breakers Dining Room, Newport R.I.

A young man or a young woman, unaccustomed to the settled observances of such occasions, can hardly pass through a severer ordeal than a formal dinner.  Its terrors, however, are often greatly magnified.  Such a knowledge of the principal points of table etiquette as you may acquire from this book, complete self-possession, habits of observation, and a fair share of practical good sense, will carry one safely if not pleasantly through it.  You may entertain the opinion that such dinners, and formal parties in general, are tiresome affairs, and that there might be quite as much real courtesy and a great deal more enjoyment with less ceremony, and we may entirely agree with you; but what is, and not what might be, is the point to be elucidated. We are to take society as we find it. 

You may, as a general rule, decline invitations to dinner parties without any breach of good manners, and without giving offense, if you think that neither your enjoyment nor your interests will be promoted by accepting; or you may not go into what is technically called "society" at all, and yet you are liable, at a hotel, on board a steamer, or on some extraordinary occasion, to be placed in a position in which ignorance of dinner etiquette will be very mortifying and the information contained in this section be worth a hundred times the cost of the book.

We now proceed to note the common routine of a fashionable dinner, as laid down in books and practiced in polite society. On some points usage is not uniform, but varies in different
countries, and even in different cities in the same country, as well as in different circles in the same place. For this reason you must not rely wholly upon this or any other manners book, but, keeping your eyes open and your wits about you, wait and see what others do, and follow the prevailing mode.

Dinner Etiquette

1. Invitations.

Invitations to a dinner are usually issued several days before the appointed time—the length of time being proportioned to the grandeur of the occasion. On receiving one, you should answer at once, addressing the lady of the house. You should either accept or decline unconditionally, as they will wish to know whom to expect, and make their preparations accordingly.

2. Dress.

You must go to a dinner party in "full dress." Just what this is, is a question of time and place. Strictly interpreted, it allows gentlemen but little choice.  A black dress coat and trowsers (sic), a black or white vest and cravat, white gloves, and pumps and silk stockings were formerly rigorously insisted upon. But the freedom-loving "spirit of the age" has already made its influence felt even in the realms of fashion, and a little more latitude is now allowed in most circles. 

The "American Gentleman's Guide" enumerates the essentials of a gentleman's dress for occasions of ceremony in general, as follows: 

"A stylish, well-fitting cloth coat, of some dark color and of unexceptionable quality, nether garments to correspond, or in warm weather, or under other suitable circumstances, white pants of a fashionable material and make, the finest and purest linen, embroidered in white, if at all; a cravat and vest of some dark or neutral tint, according to the physiognomical peculiarities of the wearer and the prevailing mode; an entirely fresh-looking, fashionable black hat, and carefully-fitted modish boots, white gloves, and a soft, thin, white handkerchief."

A lady's "full dress" is not easily defined, and fashion allows her greater scope for the exercise of her taste in the selection of materials, the choice of colors, and the style of making. Still, she must "be in the fashion."

3. Punctuality.

Never allow yourself to be a minute behind the time. The dinner can not be served till all the guests have arrived. If it is spoiled through your tardiness, you are responsible not only to your inviter (sic), but to his outraged guests. Better be too late for the steamer or the railway train than for a dinner!

4. Going to the Table.

When dinner is announced, the host rises and requests all to walk to the dining-room, to which he leads the way, having given his arm to the lady who, from age or any other consideration, is entitled to precedence. Each gentleman offers his arm to a lady, and all follow in order.  If you are not the principal guest, you must be careful not to offer your arm to the handsomest or most distinguished lady.

5. Arrangement of Guests.

Where rank or social position are regarded (and where are they not to some extent?), the two most distinguished gentlemen are placed next the mistress of the house, and the two most distinguished ladies next the master of the house. The right hand is especially the place of honor. If it is offered to you, you should not refuse it. It is one of the first and most difficult things properly to arrange the guests, and to place them in such a manner that the conversation may always be general during the entertainment. If the number of gentlemen is nearly equal to that of the ladies, we should take care to intermingle them. We should separate husbands from their wives, and remove near relations as far from one another as possible, because being always together they ought not to converse among themselves in a general party.

6. Duties of the Host.

To perform faultlessly the honors of the table is one of the most difficult things in society; it might indeed be asserted, without much fear of contradiction, that no man has as yet ever reached exact propriety in his office as host. When he receives others, he must be content to forget himself; he must relinquish all desire to shine, and even all attempts to please his guests by conversation, and rather do all in his power to let them please one another.  Help ladies with a due appreciation of their delicacy, moderation, and fastidiousness of their appetites; and do not overload the plate of any person you serve.  Never pour gravy on a plate without permission.  It spoils the meat for some persons. Do not insist upon your guests partaking of particular dishes; never ask persons more than once, and never put anything by force upon their plates. It is extremely ill-bred, though extremely common, to press one to eat of anything. The host should never recommend or eulogize any particular dish; his guests will take it for granted that anything found at his table is excellent. The most important maxim in hospitality is to leave every one to his own choice and enjoyment, and to free him from an ever-present sense of being entertained.  You should never send away your own plate until all your guests have finished.

7. Duties of the Guests.

Gentlemen must be assiduous but not officious in their attentions to the ladies. See that they lack nothing, but do not seem to watch them.  If a "grace" is to be asked, treat the observance with respect.  Good manners require this, even if veneration fails to suggest it.  Soup will come first.  You must not decline it; because nothing else can be served till the first course is finished, and to sit with nothing before you would be awkward.  But you may eat as little of it as you choose.  The host serves his left-hand neighbor first, then his right hand, and so on till all are served. Take whatever is given you, and do not offer it to your neighbor; and begin at once to eat. You must not suck soup into your month, blow it, or send for a second plate.  

The second course is fish, which is to be eaten with a fork, and without vegetables.  The last part of this injunction does not, of course, apply to informal dinners, where fish is the principal dish.  Fish, like soup, is served but once. When you have eaten what you wish, you lay your fork on your plate, and the waiter removes it.  

The third course brings the principal dishes—roast and boiled meats, fowl, etc., which are followed by game.  There are also side dishes of various kinds.  At dessert, help the ladies near you to whatever they may require. Serve strawberries with a spoon, but pass cherries, grapes, or peaches for each to help himself with his fingers. You need not volunteer to pare an apple or a peach for a lady, but should do so, of course, at her request, using her fork or some other than your own to hold it.  We have said in our remarks on table manners in general, in a previous chapter, that in sending your plate for anything, you should leave your knife and fork upon it.  

For this injunction we have the authority of most of the books on etiquette, as well as of general usage. There seems also to be a reason for the custom in the fact, that to hold them in your hand would be awkward, and to lay them on the table-cloth might soil it; but the author of the "American Gentleman's Guide," whose acquaintance with the best usage is not to be questioned, says that they should be retained, and either kept together in the hand, or rested upon your bread, to avoid soiling the cloth. Eat deliberately and decorously (there can be no harm in repeating this precept), masticate your food thoroughly, and beware of drinking too much ice-water.  If your host is not a "temperance man," that is, one pledged to total abstinence, wine will probably be drunk.  You can of course decline, but you must do so courteously, and without any reflection upon those who drink.  You are not invited to deliver a temperance lecture. 

Where finger-glasses are used, dip the tips of your fingers in the water and wipe them on your napkin; and wet a corner of the napkin and wipe your mouth.  Snobs sometimes wear gloves at table.  It is not necessary that you should imitate them. The French fashion of having the principal dishes carved on a side-table, and served by attendants, is now very generally adopted at ceremonious dinners in this country, but few gentlemen who go into company at all can safely count upon never being called upon to carve, and the art is well worth acquiring. Ignorance of it sometimes places one in an awkward position. You will find directions on this subject in almost any cook-book; you will learn more, however, by watching an accomplished carver than in any other way. 

Do not allow yourself to be too much engrossed in attending to the wants of the stomach, to join in the cheerful interchange of civilities and thoughts with those near you. We must leave a hundred little things connected with a dinner party unmentioned; but what we have said here, together with the general canons of eating laid down in Chapter VI, (Section 7, "Table Manners"), and a little observation, will soon make you a proficient in the etiquette of these occasions, in which, if you will take our advice, you will not participate very frequently. An informal dinner, at which you meet two or three friends, and find more cheer and less ceremony, is much to be preferred. – From 1887,  Samuel Well's,"How to Behave"

New Holiday Co-Ed, Youth Classes in Etiquette, Manners and Social Skills, at the Graber Olive House.

Ashley learns how to twirl her spaghetti

 

The RSVP Institute is pleased to now offer special holiday co-ed,  youth classes in etiquette, manners and social skills, at the Graber Olive House.  The special course of 3, two-hour classes will be held the week after Christmas, on December 27th, 28th & 29th.  The $65.00 per student fee covers all foods & handouts. The mixed age classes (ages 5 and up to teen) 

are from 11:30 to 1:30 p.m. 

The 3 classes will focus on:

• The keys to making your parents smile.
• Basic Social Graces, Posture and Image
• Dining Skills & Table Manners (with foods to practice the dining skills taught)
• Respect for Others
• Deflecting Peer Pressure Gracefully
• Phone, Text Manners & Web @ttitude© & Other E-Manners
• Manners for Home and Abroad
• Gero-dynamics©, “Thank you" notes & RSVPs
• “Yes please”, “Thank you”, “Excuse Me”, & other verbal cues that open doors, build friendships, make parents & teachers smile!

Register by Dec. 26th to secure your son’s or daughter’s enrollment!

Open to ages 5 to 17. We will be offering a “teen specific” class starting on Sundays in January. Call 909 923-5650 or email for more information: mannersclass@gmail.com

Please Print Information Below 

Checks can be mailed to: RSVP, 301 East Fourth Street, Ontario 91764    

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Why Are They Called 'Mess Halls' & 'Mess Kits' in the Military?

My husband, Cliff C. Graber, in the U.S. Army 82nd Airborne Division, messing around with a paper airplane and a few of his buddies.

Messing Around with Terminology

When referencing food and the military, I am frequently asked the same questions by students. “Why does the military give out mess kits?”, and “Why is the place where soldiers eat called a mess hall?” I am a person who needs answers that add up. Inquisitive kids are that way too. 

When I first started looking around for an answer back in the early 1990s, I found a few bits and pieces of information available, but not one source I read actually tied it all together to where it made sense to me. 

From the outset “mess” obviously meant “food” and nothing more. The biblical Essau had a “mess of potage” which is believed to be a portion of lentil soup or beans. While growing up my brothers had G I Joe action figures that came with “mess kits” and watching the “Beverly Hillbillies” on television I heard the term “mess a’vittles” frequently used. While listening to former Presidential aide Dee Dee Meyers talking on late night t.v. she referred to her “mess bill” for something she had eaten on Air Force One. It was starting to drive me a bit nuts. If “mess” historically had meant food, how, why and when did it become the definitive term for a state of confusion and disorderliness? 

It took me much sleuthing, but I finally found a very old book on word origins and voila…  there was an answer that made sense. The change in the general public’s definition of the word apparently was in the 1590s, when a party game called “Muss” spread across Europe. Muss was a game in which trinkets were tossed around a room and the party guests would scramble to retrieve them (anyone for some 52 pickup?)   As popularity of the game spread throughout Europe, with its various languages, the name of the game somehow was changed to “Mess”.   The Bible, military handbooks, and all other writings had naturally been left with the original meaning of the word intact. But from that point on, “muss” has rarely been used as a common term for something in a state of disarray, other than regionally in a few parts of the world. 

Many southern states here in the U.S. are one such regional area.   The term muss is still used in the south, while I rarely hear it here in Southern California.  The eyes of an octogenarian attending one of my seminars became misty as he recounted how his grandmother in Alabama would scold him for wearing his hat in her home. “I would say that my hair was a mess underneath my hat. She would then correct me by saying, ‘Your hair is mussed. It is not a mess!” 

Now I always try to remember that my daughter’s room is not a mess.  Her room is simply mussed up. It sounds better and somehow makes me feel a bit better about it.

This was originally posted in 2010

© Maura J. Graber 2010/The R.S.V.P. Institute of Etiquette