Gilded Age Party Etiquette

The ornately designed goblet and cover that was issued a patent, was a multi-purpose drinking vessel. When the goblet was tilted to drink from, the attached cherub "pulled" back a cover, revealing a rim to drink from, while allowing the drinking rim to stay relatively hygenic and it could keep a gents mustache clean and dry, all the while remaining uniquely beautiful.

Gilded Age Etiquette 

for

Evening Parties

Evening parties are of various kinds, and more or less ceremonious, as they are more or less fashionable. Their object is or should be social enjoyment, and the manners of the company ought to be such as will best promote it. A few hints, therefore, in addition to the general maxims of good behavior already laid down, will suffice.

1. Invitations

Having accepted an invitation to a party, never fail to keep your promise, and especially do not allow bad weather, of any ordinary character, to prevent your attendance. A married man should never accept an invitation from a lady in which his wife is not included.

2. Salutations

When you enter a drawing-room where there is a party, you salute the lady of the house before speaking to any one else. Even your most intimate friends are enveloped in an opake (sic) atmosphere until you have made your bow to your entertainer. You then mix with the company, salute your acquaintances, and join in the conversation. You may converse freely with any person you meet on such an occasion, without the formality of an introduction.

3. Conversation

When conversation is not general, nor the subject sufficiently interesting to occupy the whole company, they break up into different groups. Each one converses with one or more of his neighbors on his right and left. We should, if we wish to speak to any one, avoid leaning upon the person who happens to be between. A gentleman ought not to lean upon the arm of a lady's chair, but he may, if standing, support himself by the back of it, in order to converse with the lady partly turned toward him. The members of an invited family should never be seen conversing one with another at a party.

4. French Leave

If you desire to withdraw before the party breaks up, take "French leave"—that is, go quietly out without disturbing any one, and without saluting even the mistress of the house, unless you can do so without attracting attention. The contrary course would interrupt the rest of the company, and call for otherwise unnecessary explanations and ceremony.

5. Sports and Games

Among young people, and particularly in the country, a variety of sports or plays, as they are called, are in vogue. Some of them are fitting only for children; but others are more intellectual, and may be made sources of improvement as well as of amusement. Entering into the spirit of these sports, we throw off some of the restraints of a more formal intercourse; but they furnish no excuse for rudeness. You must not forget your politeness in your hilarity, or allow yourself to "take liberties," or lose your sense of delicacy and propriety.

The selection of the games or sports belongs to the ladies, though any person may modestly propose any amusement, and ask the opinion of others in reference to it. The person who gives the party will exercise her prerogative to vary the play, that the interest may be kept up. If this were the proper place, we should enter an earnest protest against the promiscuous kissing which sometimes forms part of the performances in some of these games, but it is not our office to proscribe or introduce observances, but to regulate them.

No true gentleman will abuse the freedom which the laws of the game allows; but if required, will delicately kiss the hand, the forehead, or, at most, the cheek of the lady. A lady will offer her lips to be kissed only to a lover or a husband, and not to him in company. The French code is a good one: "Give your hand to a gentleman to kiss, your cheek to a friend, but keep your lips for your lover." Never prescribe any forfeiture which can wound the feelings of any of the company, and "pay" those which may be adjudged to you with cheerful promptness. – From 1887, Samuel Well's,"How to Behave"

May Van Alen Weds and Decides She is Not an American

“I have tried my best to persuade Mr. Thompson to leave New York and live in England, but so far without success,” said May Van Alen to custom officials at a hearing on October 16, 1913

May Van Alen Weds in London

Remember May Van Alen?  Continually dumping suitors and fiances, one of who committed suicide over her breaking their engagement, she was the granddaughter of the Astors and the eldest daughter of James J. Van Alen of New York and Newport Rhode Island.  In fact, the New York Times described her this way; "Miss Van Alen, as already stated, is the eldest daughter of James Van Alen.  She is a very odd, original girl, extremely clever, and with a reputation for slight eccentricity."  It goes on to say how the lives of all three Van Alen "children has not been of the happiest, not withstanding their money and their lineage."  

The article went on to remind readers of the Van Alen's mother's death shortly after giving birth to her youngest child, Sarah, and how James Van Alen took his brood overseas for an education.  In the same article, it states about May Van Alen, "She is not pretty, but is chic and dresses in a very conspicuous and Parisian manner.  She has an excited manner in talk and a fondness for saying startling things."  Not a very flattering portrait of a young society girl in America's Gilded Age.

May Van Alen finally did marry.  She married one Griswold Thompson in a private ceremony in St. George’s, Hanover Square in London, on September 24, 1913. The ceremony was conducted with the greatest level of secrecy and included a modest ten persons as guests. Never mind the fact that the wedding was actually scheduled for that coming Sunday.  Odd?  Yes.  But May Van Alen left many people in her wake, even invited guests it seems. The strict etiquette of the day, and even the much lamented relaxed etiquette of today, would more than frown on inviting one's guests to a wedding, then marrying in secrecy just days before the date one's guests have planned to attend.  Was the newspaper article their guests only notice?  Or were they sent cards or notes of explanation?

May Van Alen was one odd duck, in a small pond of wealthy socialites in America's Gilded Age. I doubt anyone said anything public against her, though in private circles, she was probably gossiped about profusely and regularly. 

"Costumes Parisienes" Afternoon Dress for 1913

Why the secrecy and rush? She would give no details, nor would she even give out the address in London where she's been staying, to those who wished to send gifts. The news account says that following the private ceremony, the couple quickly left the church and headed for a tour of England. Many speculated into the speed of the marriage and the closed-mouth handling of details for the ceremony. The new York Times article does state that Griswold Thompson lived in England, "at one time." It also mentioned that May's and Griswold's engagement had been announced in the Times back in June of 1913. It gave Grisworld's bond and investment business address as "500 Fifth Avenue" in New York, and his residence as "16 East Sixtieth Street" in New York. 

The Arabic was torpedoed and sunk by German u-boat U 24, on August 16, 1915

Eleven months later, Van Alen-Thompson was testifying at a hearing with custom authorities in Boston, regarding taxes due on items brought back with her to the United States on The Arabic. According to Van Alen, she was a foreign resident and for many years had made her permanent home with her father in Northhamptonshire, England. As a result, the 25 trunks containing jewelry, furs and other fine articles, (as well as the magnificent fur and jewels worn by her maid, underneath her clothing and hidden in a belt, no less) should enter America duty free. At the conclusion of the hearing, May Van Alen begrudgingly paid the duties, although she was able to prove that some of the jewelry and wearing apparel were purchased in the United States prior to her departure from the country. Surprisingly, this was all eventually overturned on appeal! If she was a citizen of England, why all the theatrics to hide her gems, fur, etc... ? Even more surprising to me? No one has written a book or done a movie on this family. At least not a book or movie that I can find!

Surprisingly, this was all eventually overturned on appeal! If she was a citizen of England, why all the theatrics to hide her gems, fur, etc... ? Even more surprising to me? No one has written a book or done a movie on this family.  At least not one that I can find!

Remember, this series of recent blog posts on the Gilded Age in America, originally started with an article on "Miss Leary's Dinner Party" and I was curious about the guests the party was honoring.  First finding an odd article about the curious super fast marriage of Sarah Van Alen, I then stumbled onto the even more curious and baffling May Van Alen. (Above) Part of an article "Some Summer Gowns" featuring Sara Van Alen-Collier, the full column is at the bottom of this post.

On Gilded Aged Fashion and Style:

The hobble skirt below, touted as the "Latest Freak in Woman's Fashion,"caught on quickly. This style remained the height of fashion until around 1915. 

 SURE SIGN OF WOMAN’S EMANCIPATION IN THE INCREASED SIZE OF HER SHOES: Because She Swims, Walks, Plays Golf and Tennis and Works for a Living, She Can No Longer Pose as Wasp-Waisted and Tiny-Footed. So...  Larger feet caught on too, evidently!

All of these fashion articles can be found online and downloaded as PDFs from the New York Times' Archives

A Sumptuous 1897 Astor Dinner Ball

The Astors Sure Knew Their Food and Their Swag!

Below is the menu for a ball hosted by the Astors in January of 1897....

"One of the Greatest Social Events of the Season" headlines the story featured in The New York Times. 

Miss May Van Alen - I realize I am going back in time a bit, with regard to the heart-breaking, fiancé dumping, May Van Alen, but this dinner serves a purpose. It shows the family background, the lifestyle and charming, gilded world in which May Van Alen lived. Remember, May's mother, was "Emily Astor-Van Alen," who died giving birth to May's younger sister, Sarah. Around the same time of this dinner ball, society pages were abuzz with May's probable marriage to the Duke of Manchester. 

Consommé à la Princesse

Térapène

Filet de boeuf aux champignons frais et truffes

Canard canvasback rôti

Salade de céleri et laitue

Sandwiches assortis

Glaces de fantaisies

Biscuit glacé biscuit Tortoni

Gâteaux assortis

Gelée macédoine Charlotte Parisienne 

Fruits Bonbons

Café

Champagne Claret cup

Lemonade Poland water

This ball at the Astors' 5th Avenue residence, a "double mansion" according to the news account, hosted nearly 300 guests. All of whom were "prominent representatives of New York society." The midnight supper (above) required the entirety of Mrs. Astor's "solid silver table service" as any menu of that size and amount would require, in the Gilded Age.

That supper was immediately followed by the cotillion. The party favors were "novel and artistic" and were pulled in "by ribbon bands, on an old French Sleigh, mounted on castors, a copy of one formerly used by Louis Quatorze." The goodies were quite a haul!

"Louis Quatorze" or Louis XIV of France

The swag for the guests included; "Wands of roses with little bells attached, tartan plaid silk sashes, with the monogram of Mrs. Astor in gold, with the date of the ball; Beardsley poster blotters, and sachets with large bouquets attached." Aubrey Beardsley was one of the most controversial artists of the Art Nouveau Era, and he died a year after this ball was held. For the men, favors included; "Handsome leather tobacco pouches, with silver tops, gold and silver trimmed golf sticks and golf balls, and jeweled orders with gold chains."

The following is a list of just some of the notable female guests, and notes on what they wore. Miss May Van Alen is among them.

The Van Alen Sister's Saga ~ Better Than A Soap Opera

"Miss Sarah Van Alen Now Mrs. R.J. Collier; Wedding Quietly Solemnized at Newport Yesterday"

"Special to The New York Times July 27, 1902, NEWPORT, R.I., July 26. -- The wedding of Miss Sarah Stewart Van Alen to Robert Joseph Collier to-day did not attract the attention of the society people of Newport as did the Martin-Oelrichs wedding of Thursday. The two functions differed widely. One had been long heralded and invitations were numerous; the other came as a surprise, was in a measure of a private character, and the invitations were very few in number." 

A Gilded Age Bride

The wedding of a young, Newport Rhode Island woman, in high society is "quietly solemnized"?  The newspaper article goes to the trouble of telling the readers that this particular wedding was not "long heralded", did not "attract the attention of the society people of Newport" as a wedding of one of her peers had, and it came as a surprise. I am going to post the whole article below, as it goes into great length describing the beautiful Wakefield event.  

 

Maybe quiet weddings, attended by the Astors and Condé Nast, among others, seemed like small potatoes in the Gilded Age, but the details sound absolutely wonderful.  Again though, as you will read in the article, many friends were invited to the church mass for the couple, but few attended.  Made me wonder...

 

Did she marry a cad?  Was this on a whim?  Was she already in a "delicate state"?  Maybe, none of those reasons.  It is highly possible that her father was not happy about his daughter May's "love entanglements", long list of broken unofficial engagements, one of which was to the Duke of  Manchester. Maybe her younger sister Sarah was as well.

Another of May's many notable 'entanglements' was supposedly her future brother in-law, Mr. Collier.  The newspaper goes on to say that she tired of him, and "Accordingly, she turned him over to her sister, Miss Sarah Van Alen, an arrangement, which up to the present time, appears to be eminently satisfactory both to Mr. Collier and the younger Miss Van Alen."  That particular quote is from an article from August 20, 1902. Less than a month after theVan Alen-Collier wedding.  The article is headlined "Miss May Van Allen (sic); Something About the Girl for Whom Remington Killed Himself" 

 

 August 19, 1902, Robert Reading Remington committed suicide.  He too was another jilted lover of May's.  The article, headlined "Sensational Suicide of One of New York's Society Young Men; Disappointment Over a Broken Matrimonial Engagement Believed to Be the Cause" goes on to say he "Blew out his brains with a revolver in his rooms at La Forge Cottage" and explains how despondent he had been over May's jilting him.

 

He actually shot himself 3 times.  The first and second bullets didn't do the trick, one shot from the side "ploughed across his forehead" and the next, shot with the gun pointing at his front, "glanced over the top of his head ... "  The young man described by the paper as having "a wonderful amount of grit" finally killed himself by firing the gun through his mouth with "death probably resulting instantly."  You cannot make stuff like this up!  

I wanted this blog posted yesterday, as promised, however the more I read about the Van Alen sisters, family, the weirder things get.  Keep in mind this all began with a society dinner party by Miss Leary.  I just thought I would quickly look up the two young ladies the dinner party was honoring.  Nothing more.  Reading these articles is like watching a soap opera, and it gets better with every click of my mouse.  That being said, the Gilded Age Etiquette will be posted tomorrow.  Right now, I want to get back to my soap!

 

The Account of Miss Leary's Gilded Age Dinner Party

"It was like a vision of fairyland when the guests left the dinner table and stepped on to the piazza and then to the garden.  The trees were ablaze with illuminations of every description, the walks being outlined with lamps of various colors.  Two large tents were erected at each side of the lawn, one for the men to smoke in the other where coffee was served to the ladies.  Japanese umbrellas were distributed about the lawn, which was completely covered with Turkish rugs." 

That is the opening of the story (shown below) which ran in the New York Times, September 4, 1900.  Miss Leary evidently had a desire to create a festive and global theme for the evening.  According to the Times, Miss Leary's party in Newport, was "one of the largest of the season" and it was held at her "cottage," which I imagine was a fairly good size. 

 The guest list was full of debutantes of the day, and the Newport elite.  The dinner was held in the honor of  "Miss Van Alen, and her sister Miss Sarah Van Alen, the daughters of James J. Van Alen."  The name "Van Alen" sounded familiar, so on a lark I decided to look  the Van Alens up.  That is when this simple article about a dinner party in 1900 changed into something completely different.

James J. Van Alen

Sportsman and politician James J. Van Alen commissioned
Charles Eamer Kempe and Dudley Newton to design and build "Wakehurst".

The Van Alens were not your run of the mill family.  This blog post is part one, of I am hoping just 2 or 3 parts.  Otherwise, I will never get any sleep.  I have been at this for several nights now. 

He was appointed Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to Italy on October 20, 1893, but declined the appointment

Van Alen was a widower, and according to many accounts, spent much of his time after the death of his wife in a depression.  From other accounts of his travel and social life, he seemed to be quite the ladies man and very outgoing.

Emily Astor Van Alen

 Here is what I found on Van Alen under Virginia University website's "Class & Leisure" Section on him.

James J. Van Alen (1846-1923) was a sportsman, politician, and member of an old-monied New York railroad family. Van Alen solidified his status as a member of upper-class society by marrying Emily Astor, daughter of society matron Caroline Schermerhorn Astor and William Backhouse Astor Jr.
 
Like many upper-class Americans, Van Alen was fond of English culture and architecture. In 1882, he hired English architect Charles Eamer Kempe to design Wakehurst (1884-1887), a stone Tudor mansion modeled after Wakehurst Place, an English country estate in Sussex, England. The mansion stood at Ochre Point in Newport, Rhode Island.
 
Newport architect Dudley Newton oversaw construction of Wakehurst. Rooms were designed and constructed in England, then imported to Newport. The rooms featured English tapestries, antiques, and accessories. Landscape architect Ernest Bowditch, a student of Frederick Law Olmsted, designed the grounds.
 
Van Alen was known as a charming host who enjoyed speaking in Tudor English. An avid yachtsman, Van Alen joined fellow Newporters Edith Wharton and her husband Edward R. (Teddy) Wharton on a four-month Mediterranean cruise aboard The Vanadis in 1888.
 
Wakehurst is now part of the campus of Salve Regina University.

The website breaks down the class structure of the era

Part 2 of my post continues tomorrow, with a Van Alen wedding and a section on Gilded Age Etiquette...