Thanksgiving Etiquette for Guests

One of my favorite photos of me with my Uncle Jack at a Thanksgiving dinner in my aunt’s and uncle’s home, nearly 40 years ago. It’s a bit fuzzy, but his easy going smile and friendly demeanor put anyone at ease He had impeccable manners and was my ideal of a true gentleman. He was a ladies man and a man’s man. He passed away on October 26th. Rest in peace, Uncle Jack.

Twelve Tips for Being a Welcome Thanksgiving  Guest 

1. Don’t enter a home asking for the television remote, video controller or the wifi password. You’re there to visit and socialize. Instead, greet your host &/or hostess and thank them for having you. 
2. Holidays already bring unexpected surprises. Never show up with an “extra” guest or friend in tow unless you’ve politely discussed the matter with your host/s.
3. If you are “bringing a dish,” and you know the host’s or hostess’s taste in tableware, bringing an actual dish with your food as a hostess gift is a thoughtful touch. Ex: Your sister collects old, blue and white transferware. You spot unique bowls she’d love online and on sale. Pick a pretty style for her to keep and bring your famous cranberry sauce in it, ready to serve. 
4. If you aren’t already helping out in the kitchen, ask what you can do to assist. Many hosts & hostesses don’t want help in the kitchen, but may need help in making sure guests’ glasses are on coasters, guests’ coats are hung up or that children aren’t underfoot. Some hosts and hostesses need help with setting the table. Offer to make yourself useful.
5. If your hosts have the big game on, parade or holiday marathon, go ahead and watch. Just don’t ignore others or let it monopolize your attention.
6. Your cellphone should be set aside for face to face communication with others and taking occasional photos. Keep your phone out of sight unless it’s needed. If you get a personal call, step into another room or go outside to take the call.
7. Ask where you should sit at the table, unless your host instructs you to, “sit anywhere.” If there are place cards, sit where the host/s have placed you. It is the rudest of gusts who will rearrange place cards at someone else’s table.
8. Never criticize the food or how it’s prepared. If you don’t care for something, simply pass on the dish, or pass it on to the next guest without comment.
9. Keep political opinions and other hot topics out of your conversation. Regardless of your passions or opinions, seasonal get-togethers are not the time for division, especially in someone else’s home.
10. Don’t expect to take home leftovers, even if it’s the norm in your family or circle. Food prices have skyrocketed the past few years and some families have started asking guests to chip in on the cost of the meal. Leftovers may only be up for grabs if you’ve contributed monetarily to the meal. 
11. Holidays can be a lonely time for people, even those attending large gatherings. Be polite and try to chat with anyone who looks like they need some kindness sent their way.
12. Don’t overstay your welcome and always thank your hosts when you leave.

 

 🍽Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

I’ll Be Back Soon

I will be back soon! In the meantime, you can read all sorts of ad-free etiquette and etiquette related articles, curated by me, on the Etiquipedia Etiquette Encyclopedia 

The Graber Olive House in Ontario California is still closed, due to Coronavirus concerns. We are sorry we cannot offer our Etiquette Seminars or Classes at this time. For Online Zoom Classes, please email us at RsvpInstitute@gmail.com

New Youth Etiquette Classes for March!

New Etiquette Classes for Teens

Our newest etiquette classes for teens begin at 6:45 p.m. on July 2nd at the Graber Olive House in Ontario. Call 909-923-5650 for more information or stop by the Graber Olive House to fill out a registration form.

New Youth Etiquette Classes Start April 15th!

Etiquette Classes in the Inland Empire

Start Sunday, April 15th!

The RSVP Institute of Etiquette continues to

offer ongoing, coed etiquette classes, at the

historic Graber Olive House in Ontario, 

with new courses starting April 15th! 

Every student is encouraged to develop the social skills vitally needed for smooth sailing throughout life... 

The 6 hour total, teen courses 

will be held every Sunday afternoon, 

from 3:15 to 5:15 p.m., for 3 weeks. 

The $85.00 per student fee, includes foods to practice dining skills with and all necessary learning materials! 

Now in our 28th year, we are always adding new subjects and great foods to practice dining skills that are taught!

                                                                       

Each student receives weekly session handouts in order to practice lessons they are taught in our classes, when they are at home and at school. Role modeling, games and foods all help to practice the skills and lessons taught. The three, 2-hour session, courses cover:
• Basic Social Graces, Introductions and Greetings
• Dining Skills and Table Manners
• Manners for Home and Abroad
• Respect for Self and Others,
• Deflecting Peer Pressure
• Responding to RSVPs
• Notes of Thanks
• Social Media Manners and Digital Manners
• Making Eye Contact, Great Posture and Grooming 

Fun games and prizes help reinforce skills taught!

The Graber Olive House is located at 315 East Fourth Street, Ontario, CA 91764 

Phone–909 983-1761 

Etiquette Classes in the Inland Empire

The RSVP Institute of Etiquette continues to offer ongoing, coed etiquette classes, at the historic Graber Olive House in Ontario, with new classes starting June 14th!

Every student is encouraged to develop the social skills needed for smooth sailing throughout life!

Teen and kid approved foods are served to help with utensil manners!

The youth classes for ages 6 and up through the teens, are held every Sunday, 

from 2:00 to 4:00 p.m. 

The $75.00 per student fee, includes foods to practice dining skills with and all necessary learning materials!

      

Each student receives weekly session handouts to practice lessons taught when at home. The three, 2-hour session Etiquette 

Courses cover: 

Basic Manners 

Introductions and Responses, 

Dining Skills & Table Manners 
(w/foods to practice dining skills), 

Manners for Home and Abroad, 
Cultural Diversity, Respect for Others, 

Deflecting Peer Pressure, Tech Etiquette, 

Notes of Thanks,  

Social Media Manners, Cell Phone Manners, Text Manners,  

Making Eye Contact, Developing Great Posture and Good Grooming  

We love getting thanked by our students!

The Graber Olive House is located at 

315 East Fourth Street, Ontario, CA 91764

909 983-1761

Questions? Contact Maura J. Graber at

Email rsvpinstitute@gmail.com for a registration form, 

Or call The RSVP Institute of Etiquette 

at 

800-891-RSVP or 909 923-5650 

Payment by Check, Cash or PayPal is accepted

                                         

Maura J. Graber, Teaching etiquette since 1990

On Etiquette and Acting Civilized

Etiquette: It's not just about which fork to use.
(Above~ Beautiful, antique French melon forks)

Etiquette is, in point of fact, nothing more nor less than the law, written and unwritten, which regulates the society of civilized people, distinguishing them from the communities of barbarous tribes, whose lives are hard and their manners still harder. 

It is to a well disciplined and refined mind the fundamental principle of action in all intercourse with society, and they are interested in maintaining it in its integrity, and bound to heed and obey its simplest as well as more formal precepts. 

The real law-giver is the general convenience, speaking with authority and the experience of many years; and it will be found that even in those cases, where the meaning of its rules may be somewhat obscure at first sight, there is an underlying reason for the regulation laid down. by Sarah Annie Frost, 1869

New Coed Teen Etiquette Course

The RSVP Institute of Etiquette’s newest coed “Teen and ‘Tween” Course for ages 12 and up, at the Historic Graber Olive House in Ontario is in the evenings, starting Tuesday, July 29th and ending Wednesday July 30th. The fee for the two, 2-hour classes is $55.00 per student. Classes are from 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. The fee covers the classes, foods & handouts. 

  

The classes focus on:

• Key Skills~ Basic Manners, including; Introductions & Responses

• Dining Skills & Table Manners (w/foods to practice dining skills) 

• Manners; Home & Abroad, Cultural Diversity, Respect for Others 

• Deflecting Peer Pressure, Tech Etiquette, “Thank you" notes

• Social Media Manners, Cell Phone Manners, Text Manners, etc... 

• Making Eye contact, Developing Great Posture & Good Grooming

   Questions? Email rsvpinstitute@gmail.com Call RSVP Institute: 909 923-5650 

                

 The Graber Olive House is located at: 315 E. Fourth Street, Ontario                             Phone  909-983-1761   

   

Registration forms with fee must be returned by July 28th to secure registration! For a form, please stop by the Graber Olive House or email Maura Graber at rsvpinstitute@gmail.com

Praising Amy Vanderbilt's Etiquette

Sooner or later, everybody needs Amy Vanderbilt!

This article that I wrote, first appeared in a Southern California magazine back in 1993.  I decided it needed an update, and the following is the result.

Today's lifestyle requires a whole new set of manners. There's a book on my shelf that I've long considered my "business bible." I didn't buy it at a seminar or online.  In fact, I didn't even know I was buying the book.  It came with my "starter kit";  four cardboard suitcases of crystal, china, and a metal folding table.  That kit gave me the title of "Crystal Consultant."

I received my kit in January of 1975, while still a senior in high school.  I decided at age 17, that my future was in home-party-plan crystal sales and signed up.  The book was the sample, and I was supposed to take sales orders for it, though I can't ever recall selling one.  In fact, at one point, the book just seemed to be added weight to the rest of my kit, so I put it away on a shelf.

The book is Amy Vanderbilt's "Etiquette: The Guide to Gracious Living." it was, at the time, and probably still is today, the most complete book of etiquette ever written. Amy Vanderbilt happened to be, according to the catalog of crystal glued into the book's front cover, the company's "Special Advisor."  There was a special message from Amy, along with her photo. I was mildly impressed, and had heard the name, but that didn't stop me from trying to sell the book at garage sales over the years. No, my book really didn't mean too much to me until 1990, when it suddenly took on a new dimension in my life and simply demanded the respect it deserves.

Now I'm truly glad it's stuck with me. Not only is my book a gold mine of information that I delve into on a regular basis for my business, it is also a melancholy look at the past and how America used to behave and the rules by which one attempted to live.

The first copyright on the book was 1952 ; the last, 1972. Not so old chronologically, yet ancient in terms of social customs.

A thick book, covering babies to bidets, my favorite passage is on page 232 : "In greeting a woman friend in the street or in some public place, once she has bowed first, a man actually lifts his hat from his head, turning his head slightly towards the woman and smiling, if he wishes, but not stopping unless she stops first."

Now I have never bowed to a man that I can remember and I don't know if a situation will ever arise that I will be called to do so; however, I like the part about the man not stopping unless I stop first.

So much of our daily lives has changed since 1952 copyright, the only about half of my business bible is really usable in its current context. With our modern gadgets and hectic lifestyles, not to mention role reversal of the sexes, new rules need to be written and new manners, combined with a sense of social obligation, are in order.

So with that in mind and Amy's book back on my shelf, I have a few suggestions, 

From copyright 1993: Sunglasses

Take them off briefly, or lift them, when you are being interviewed, talking to others, etc...

When outdoors, say meeting someone on the street, after conversation has been established, casually lift or tip them, while smiling momentarily, in an attempt to establish eye contact. This should signal to the other person to do the same if he or she is also wearing sunglasses. Once eye contact has been made, readjust the glasses properly on your face.

When indoors, especially when being interviewed on TV, please remove the glasses completely, unless you have good reason to be wearing them. Blindness or other eye problems are good reasons. Celebrityhood or an over inflated ego or not.

And now, copyright 2014: Sunglasses

Read the above

Copyright 2014: Google Glasses

The newest social pariah?

If you own them, congratulations. You are now part of an elite group of people - the newest social pariah. When outdoors, say meeting someone on the street, before conversation becomes established, remove the Google Glasses while you chat . Also apologize and make a quick vow not to record anything while you are talking.


From copyright 1993: Car Phones

You have an obligation to others in your car and to those sharing the road with you.

Most of us are born with two eyes, two ears and two hands. To attempt to defy Mother Nature by making three have any of these necessary is not only foolish, but risky as well. Trying to manually downshift, drink from your Big Gulp and talk on the phone all at the same time is pushing it.

You have an obligation to others in your car and to those sharing the road with you. Be polite and limit your other activities while driving to just one at a time, please.

From copyright 2014: Mobile Phones

Read the above

From copyright 1993: Fax Machines

If you must solicit business by fax, at least call in advance and ask for permission to send a fax.

Think about how you would feel if you had to pay for telemarketers' phone calls to disrupt your dinner at home, or the postage for the junk mail delivered to your mailbox. Now you have a good idea of how recipients of unsolicited faxes (hi tech junk mail) feel. They foot the bill for the paper, electricity, toner, and wear and tear on the machine itself all for the honor of receiving those faxes.
 
If you must solicit business by fax, at least call in advance and ask for permission to send a fax. The response others will give to such an unheard-of gesture might really surprise you. Politeness in business is rarely forgotten.


From copyright 2014: Fax Machines

If you still use fax machines in 2014, read the above.  And if you believe that fax machines are unimportant in this day and age, guess again.  Fax machines are still extremely important in Japan. Almost all resumes or CVS are faxed after they are written by hand. 

Good penmanship is valued in Japan and fax machines can successfully transmit your beautiful penmanship to the company that you are applying for a job from.

Actual "Hi Tech Junk Mail" of 2014?

Keep it to yourself! And that includes all you out there who knows some prints or some millionaire and you need my help to get his money from out of Nigeria or whatever country you are claiming to be from.

From copyright 1993: Video Cameras

Always ask before videotaping others.

Contrary to popular opinion, not everyone is dying to be videotaped simply because you have a camera in hand. Ask before videotaping others, unless you know ahead of time that they won't mind. Not only are you being polite, you are avoiding potential embarrassment, anger, or worse, lawsuits.


From copyright 2014: Video Cameras

Contrary to popular opinion, not everyone is dying to be videotaped simply because you have a camera or cell phone in hand. Ask before taping others. I know you want to be the next big thing on YouTube. Or you're angry at your neighbor, ex, teacher, coach or cop who just pulled you over. The tables are about to be turned back in another direction. People are getting fed up. Before you realize it, the taping of anyone without their approval is most likely going to be legislated. As it is, many celebrities are banning cell phones and videos from being taken in their presence. And just like anything else what celebrities do it trickles down to non celebrities and the general public. People are fed up. Get ready in advance and stop taping people without their permission.

One fun bit of trivia; Andy Warhol did artwork for Amy Vanderbilt's books. He was usually listed alongside one or two other artists, as having done the artwork for the books, however he was the only artist listed for the artwork in Amy Vanderbilt's 1950's cookbook.

From Amy's Complete Book of Etiquette:

"Who needs a book of etiquette? Everyone does. The simplest family, if it hopes to move just a little into a wider world, needs to know at least the elementary rules. Even the most sophisticated man or woman used to a great variety of social demands cannot hope to remember every single aspect of etiquette applying to even one possible social contingency. The human mind is so constructed that even if a person were to read through a book such as this from cover to cover he could retain only that information that had interest for him at the time of reading. Consciously, at least, the rest would be discarded as irrelevant to his way of life. But let some new way of living open up for him a move from city to country, a trip to a new part of the world and his etiquette book becomes his reference book, ready to piece out his own store of information.

You might imagine that the writer of an etiquette book would certainly know everything in it and therefore have no need for it as reference or guide. But even this is not the case. After ten years as an etiquette adviser, four years of writing this book four years of interviewing dozens of authorities in their own fields for material to be incorporated here I, too, can remember only those details that have or have had relevance to my own way of living. If you asked me, for example, some detail of a wedding in a faith other than my own, I might have to refer to my own book. The information is here the result of my research but in the writing of such sections I made no attempt to memorize all these details. However, in this book, I, like you, have such information in simple, complete form all in one place, and it can be readily found if needed.

The word "etiquette" for all the things I have tried to discuss is really inadequate, yet no other will do. It covers much more than "manners," the way in which we do things. It is considerably more than a treatise on a code of social behavior, although all the traditional information still of value has, I feel, been included in a way that is simple and concise, shorn of mumbo-jumbo and clearly learnable. For we must all learn the socially acceptable ways of living with others in no matter what society we move. Even in primitive societies there are such rules, some of them as complex and inexplicable as many of our own. Their original reason or purpose is lost, but their acceptance is still unquestioned."  

Youth Etiquette Seminars and Lunches for December

Join us for an Etiquette Seminar and Lunch 

For ages 6 to 16!

Register for the Saturday Lunch or Sunday Lunch before December 12th

 Email rsvpinstitute@gmail.com for a registration form or call 
The RSVP Institute of Etiquette: 909 923-5650 or 800 891-RSVP

                            
       The youth luncheon seminars will be held at the Graber Olive House 

The Graber Olive House is located at: 

315 E. Fourth Street, Ontario 91764  Phone 909-983-1761  

   

  

  

Eva Bella's Etiquette for Eating Middle Eastern Fatayer

Meet Eva Bella...  

Eva with me in 2011

Eva hails from Syria and has lived in Southern California for 16 years now.  I met and trained Eva as an etiquette instructor back in the fall of 2010.  Always gracious, Eva first brought me the middle eastern pastry, cheese fatayer, a few weeks after she started her training. It was delicious!  I knew her students would enjoy eating it too, so I suggested she create a lesson plan for her students on how to eat fatayer properly, and on middle eastern dining manners in general.  Below are the instructions for her youth etiquette classes on the days she serves fatayer.

Eva Bella's Etiquette for Eating Middle Eastern Fatayer 

It is always a treat when Eva brings cheese fatayer to my home...  Yum!

Fatayer can be a pie, or pastry.  It may be stuffed with spinach or cheese and
even meat. It is a “finger food”.  It is part of Middle Eastern cuisine and is eaten in
Syria, and other countries of the region like Palestine, Lebanon, Egypt, Jordan  & Iraq.  It is usually eaten at breakfast time, but is delicious enough to eat as a snack anytime!
 

Dining etiquette in the Middle East, is as important as American dining manners.  You do not want to insult your host, hostess or others you are dining with.  Here are the rules for eating fatayer and making a good impression when eating Middle Eastern foods:

1. Make sure your hands are clean before eating finger foods. Always place a napkin in your lap, especially when eating finger foods.
 

2. Watch your host and hostess for “cues” and “clues” of how you should act at the table.  Make sure your elbows are off of the table. In the Middle East, it is rude to have your left hand on the table.  Eat with your right hand, and keep your left hand in your lap.  You can use it to hold your napkin when eating finger foods.  That way it will not wind up on the table by mistake.
 

3. If the fatayer is served with paper napkins, use a napkin to pick up a piece. Have a small bite (corner bite) not a smiley big bite, set it down on the plate.  Chew with your mouth closed and try to avoid talking with others, you don't want people to see what you are chewing inside your mouth, and lose their appetites. Remember... Wipe your mouth if you need to between bites.
 

4. Normally fatayer is served with tomato, cucumber and olives, so you can have a bite of fatayer and a piece of vegetables or olives too.
 

5. Never make bad comments at the table, or in a restaurant, if you did not like something served to you for the first time.  It is very poor manners.

New Etiquette Classes at the Graber Olive House in Ontario

The RSVP Institute of Etiquette’s new coed courses at the historic Graber Olive House in Ontario are scheduled for your choice of days, beginning Saturday August 10th and Sunday August 11th

      

      Our students have fun and learn to make smart choices by playing team games...

The courses focus on:

• Key Skills~ Basic Manners, incl. Introductions and Responses

• Dining Skills ~ Table Manners (with foods to practice dining skills) 

• Manners for Home or Abroad~ Cultural Diversity, Respect for Others 

• Deflecting Peer Pressure~ Manners at School, the Mall, Movie Theatre, etc... 

• Social Media Manners~ Online, Twitter, Cell Manners, Text Manners, YouTube, etc...

• Personal Development~ Eye contact, Great Posture, Grooming and Much More!

                                                                          

Students learn to use utensils properly

   Each course is three, 2-hour classes;

Youth classes ages 5 & up are 12:30 to 2:30

Teen classes are from 2:30 to 4:30 p.m.

    The $70.00 fee covers all classes, foods & handouts
        

Questions? Email mannersclass@gmail.com
            Ask about our family discount!
 

Teens vie for gift cards in a class game

Payment and completed forms are due by Friday August 9th

 
Call RSVP at: 909 923-5650      
Outside 909 Area Code: 800-891-RSVP  

The Graber Olive House is located at: 315 E. Fourth Street,  Ontario 91764   Phone  909-983-1761     

Etiquette and Behaviour Tips for Canadians

I love that the Calgary Transit has issued a 10 point etiquette guide!

And that two cities cities are waging an "eat more meat" - "eat less meat" battle!

The best is that I can totally relate to "Nobody wants to hear your stupid hot rod" as it works for Ontario, California too!

The Recipe for the Perfect Guest on Thanksgiving Day

 Hosts and hostesses work hard to make sure special holiday celebrations are fun for all involved.  In order not to ruin a special day like Thanksgiving, there are rules that must be followed in your own home, as well as in the home or the establishment of someone else. 

Here are the most important rules, along with a special recipe: 

 The Recipe Ingredients

1 large cup of common sense

2 keen eyes

5 tablespoons of willingness to help out

2 pounds of the words "please" and "thank you"

5 pounds of your best behavior

3 pounds of the best table manners you can find 

1 best foot for you to put forward when mixing and using  

 

Recipe Instructions

Mix all ingredients inside yourself well before getting to your destination.  If you are celebrating at home, mix before any guests arrive.  This recipe works best if you mix everything a day or night beforehand.  It helps calm holiday nerves.

The keen eyes and common sense will remind you that if there is a seating chart, or seating arrangement, you must not complain about where you are asked to sit.  You must never move or switch place cards.  The willingness to help out comes in handy with that issue. People spend a lot of time planning where they would like their guests to sit.  You may not know why someone has placed you in a particular seat.  Do not ask why you are being asked to sit there. It is possible feelings will get hurt if the host or hostess explains their reasons to you. The best behavior should kick in and keep you from complaining.
 
The best foot you put forward will  keep you polite to everyone, not just your own friends or family.  You must be cordial to all when you put your best foot forward. It will also ensure that you use your napkin, chew with your mouth closed and will swallow any food in your mouth before taking another bite, or drinking.  
 
Do not “play” with table favors or table decorations unless they are meant to be touched or played with.  Your keen eyes will help with this if you have mixed them in at the start.  The common sense also helps you to act respectful of anyone who would like to say grace prior to starting, regardless of you religious or non-religious affiliations.
 
Do not grab at food, drinks or anything else that might interest you. Wait until it is offered.  Do not pick at the food on the plate before it is meant to be eaten. You put in a lot of best behavior, correct?

You should be able to feel those pleases and thank yous ready to pop out of your mouth, throughout the entire celebration.  Let them. Others should be able to hear them clearly.

Copyright 1991, Maura Graber and The RSVP Institute of Etiquette