Etiquette Research finds Psych Assessment

“It is a psychology in which the gun woman fluctuated between the eternal feminine, and a fierce banditry that surpassed many crime-hardened men… What unmistakable signs of her character might be read in the ‘fixings’ of the house-sure index to a woman’s psychology, whether she be crime expert or society queen?”

I often have to remind my husband of an unfortunate truth in the world of suburbia; In society, a man is judged by the size of his house and the landscaping around it, the cars his family drives, and the schools his children attend. A woman is judged by how well-groomed the children are, the children’s manners and the condition of the inside of the home and its decor. In other words, if my husband wants to make a big mess in the house, do it in a room that I don’t entertain in. He wont be judged for it, but I will be. And, could he please clean up the yard and sweep out the garage?!?

Do women care how they appear to others? Do women seek social approval? Yes. I believe women do. Men do as well, but 100 years ago, I think women cared much more. When I found this article, I had to share it with my readers. I’m sharing only part of it, but the whole article is worth reading, so I may repost it in full at a later date. It’s from The Los Angeles Herald, 26 November 1918  

BANDIT TASTES SWING FROM MURDER TO ETIQUETTE 

Strange Psychologies of Slain Pair Revealed by Inspection of Home They Furnished 

SOUGHT SOCIAL APPROVAL 

Jewel Jones, Who Killed Deputy Sheriff, Studied Correct Manners at Table

The strange psychology of two “super-bandits,” in which bold criminal traits were curiously interwoven with instincts to win social approbation, became known today through the study of the books, music and decorations in the house of Dale Jones and his girl wife at Sierra Madre.

It is a psychology in which the gun woman fluctuated between the eternal feminine, and a fierce banditry that surpassed many crime-hardened men. Jones and his wife, Jewel Celano Jones, aged 21 and 20 respectively, were killed last week at Sierra Madre in a gun fight with officers.

Later the police learned that they had been living in the little foothill town, lying in wait for a detective who had, a year or so ago, caused Jones’ arrest. The bandits had coldly and deliberately planned to kill this man for revenge.

 PSYCHOLOGISTS INTERESTED

But in their leisure time between crimes, they had rented and fur nished a house, had collected a library and bought a large number of music records.

These facts, becoming known after it was learned that the two were wanted in two states for numerous and atrocious crimes, have created widespread interest among psychologists and students of criminology.

What music held the interests of the two bandits in their spare time between crimes? On what books did they feed their minds-say, perhaps, after some “job” in which they had murdered a fellow man?

What unmistakable signs of her character might be read in the “fixings” of the house-sure index to a woman’s psychology, whether she be crime expert or society queen? The library collected by the two super-bandits is, perhaps, the most illumining as to their mental and moral twists…

The State of British Table Manners in 2009

British table manners in a plate of crisis as fewer households fork out for knives.

USING a knife and fork at the table was regarded as an essential component of dining etiquette – as crucial as not eating with your mouth open. But research suggests the cutlery double act is being split up as sales figures show forks outselling matching knives by almost two to one. It seems using a knife and fork is rapidly becoming a thing of the past, as British families emulate the American “fork-only” dining habit, according to a new report.

“What do you mean you won't be using your knife and fork together?  And what do the Yanks have to do with it anyway!?”

British dining etiquette is disappearing thanks to the soaring popularity of the US-style eating habits, a slump in dining out and supermarket ready meals.  The report says that the increasing popularity of pre-cut pizzas, chips, burgers and pasta – all dishes where a knife is not required – is to blame. 

Read Tanya Thompson's analysis here: 

The US-style trend emerged after Debenhams' sale figures revealed that large, main meal forks were outselling their matching knives by almost two to one across the retailer's 155 UK stores.  Further investigation revealed that London stores were spearheading the trend, with customers buying almost three forks to every knife.

So great is the trend that the department store chain Debenhams has decided to launch a Civilised Dining campaign to protect the traditional British way of eating.  Debenhams' spokesman Ed Watson said the store's research revealed that the popularity of fast food is the biggest culprit for abandoning traditional etiquette.

“Bad table manners can turn an enjoyable meal into an embarrassment.”

“Bad table manners can turn an enjoyable meal into an embarrassment. Using both a knife and a fork to eat has held this country in good stead for centuries – it's one of the mainstays of being British. It's all about maintaining standards, so we want to act now before the single fork habit becomes ingrained in the next generation.”

Further research showed that almost 32 per cent of customers bought fewer knives because they now preferred to use forks on their own. 

An additional 24 per cent were baffled by place settings and almost 28 per cent did not possess fish knives, and could see no reason for buying them.

“I'm sorry. You mean there is a difference between spoons?”

Nineteen per cent could not tell the difference between soup spoons and dessert spoons and 41 per cent did not realise that the safest and most well-mannered way to eat soup was to push the spoon away from you as you ate.

Debrett's etiquette adviser Jo Bryant said good table manners should be second nature – or should appear to be. “When dining, it is essential to remember your manners and to use cutlery correctly. Bad table manners may offend your fellow diners and cause embarrassment.”

The research suggested the popularity of eating food in front of the television may also be having an impact.  “Burgers seldom require the use of a knife, and ready meals are presented using pre-cut, bite-size portions, which slip easily on to a fork,” Mr Watson added. “Good table etiquette may seem like a trivial matter, but many people in Britain still regard it as an essential life skill.”

As part of the campaign, experts will be on hand from next month to offer advice on the correct form of dining etiquette to help customers at stores throughout the UK. 

This article previously was reposted by Maura J. Graber on the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia 

From The Scotsman

Gilded Age Dinner Invitation Etiquette

 

Verbal invitations or replies should never be given for formal entertainments. R. S. V. P. should not be put on a dinner invitation. Every well-bred person knows an answer is necessary, and it is a reflection upon good manners to assume that no reply would be given if the request for it were omitted.

Etiquette for Dinner Party invitations from Mrs. Mary Ronald’s 1895 “Century Cookbook”

Invitations are sometimes sent out a month or three weeks in advance, but ordinarily two weeks is sufficient time to secure the guests one wishes to entertain. Courtesy requires a dinner invitation to be answered at once, certainly within twelve hours, but better in less time. This enables the hostess to fill the vacancy in case the invitation is declined. Unconventional people are sometimes unmindful of this obligation, but as a rule those who are accustomed to entertaining recognize the importance of a prompt reply, and answer a dinner invitation immediately.

It is well, when convenient, to send the invitation as well as the reply by hand, so that there may be no uncertainty of prompt delivery; to send either of them by post is, however, permissible.

The answer should be definite, and where a man and his wife are invited, if one of them is unable to accept, the invitation should be declined for both. An invitation should be precise in expression, therefore the prescribed form given below should be exactly followed. It does not belong to the order of social notes; it is simply a formal invitation, and an acceptance should be of the same character. 

Any deviation from the prescribed form is uncalled for and likely to cause criticism. In declining the invitation, however, it is considered more gracious to answer the formal note informally, and, by stating the reason, show that the regret is not merely a perfunctory expression.

Verbal invitations or replies should never be given for formal entertainments. R. S. V. P. should not be put on a dinner invitation. Every well-bred person knows an answer is necessary, and it is a reflection upon good manners to assume that no reply would be given if the request for it were omitted.

It is important also that the reply should repeat, in the same words as the invitation, the date and hour of the dinner, so, if any mistake has inadvertently been made, it may be corrected, thus establishing an exact understanding.

A dinner engagement is the most exacting of any social obligation, and no greater discourtesy can be shown than to break it except for serious cause. – Mrs. Mary Ronald's Century Cook Book, 1895

This article was originally published on the Etiquipedia.blogspot.com

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Etiquette, Tact and the Plumber

     This broken fountain wasn’t outside the high society, Washington home, but as a decoration on the elaborate dining table, on which the dinner was served… “Before the plumber knew what was happening, the guests had entered the dining room, chairs were drawn up. and he suddenly found himself hemmed in by a wall in which trousers alternated with skirts. It was a big round table, so be was safe from discovery from any shifting foot.” 
 

Every once in a while, when doing nightly etiquette history and research for my books and Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia, I find something really amusing. Last night I found a perfect story to share. After reading so much about employees and others signing and or/breaking NDA’s in recent news, I wondered if the $10.00 for this plumber had been enough. Imagine the gossip he heard while attending this dinner, regardless of the fact that he was under the table!

Masterly Inactivity at a Banquet in High Society

Not so very long ago there was a dinner given in exclusive Washington society at which the most tactful person was undoubtedly a plumber in overalls. It was an elaborate dinner. The central feature of the table decorations was a playing fountain, but just before the dinner was to be served the fountain refused to play.

A plumber was hastily called. He crawled under the table and soon had the fountain sending a delicate spray into the air. He was busy tightening the couplings of the temporary pipes under the table when the head butler, his mind relieved of a load of care when he saw the fountain playing, announced in the drawing room: “Dinner is served.” 

Before the plumber knew what was happening, the guests had entered the dining room, chairs were drawn up. and he suddenly found himself hemmed in by a wall in which trousers alternated with skirts. It was a big round table, so be was safe from discovery from any shifting foot. 

He scratched his head and wondered what he should do. He looked carefully around. Neither to the right nor to the left, nor between any pair of feet, was there sufficient space for him to wiggle through. The only way to get out would be to tap on some knee and say, “Pardon me, please.”

He didn't know much about the etiquette of formal dinner parties, but he had a hunch that that wouldn't make a hit. He decided that there was just one thing to do– stay where he was, until the trousers and skirt wall departed. So there he sat while course after course was served, coffee sipped, cigarettes and cigars smoked, nothing to entertain him but a ground floor view of High Society.

When the dinner was at last over and the guests had returned to the drawing room the plumber crawled forth. The hostess had tarried for a moment to give a few directions to the head butler. She gasped with astonishment.. The plumber explained. “Sir,” said she, “you are a gentleman.” Then to the head butler. “James, give this man $10 for himself.” Then to the plumber, “And please say nothing.” –New York Times, 1914

Etiquette and “Women’s Lib”

 

Back in my early teen years, the Women’s Liberation Movement was in full swing, Television comedies starring spunky, single women tackling the balance of life and romance in the big city, were all the rage: “That Girl,” “The Mary Tyler Moore Show,” “Rhoda,” etc… Then there were the shows like “Maude,” and a spinoff show, “Good Times” featuring witty, comedic banter with stronger and more vocal female leads, who tackled issues like abortion, single parenthood, widowhood and the Women’s Liberation movement. Just recently I purchased a 1971 copy of “The Cosmo Girl’s Guide to the New Etiquette,” which tackles not just etiquette, but etiquette and sexuality and the Women’s Lib Movement.

I don’t remember this purple pussy cat being some sort of logo for Cosmopolitan Magazine in the late 1960’s or early 1970’s or the Women’s Liberation Movement, for that matter. But it appears it was, as it’s in the front of “The Cosmo Girl’s Guide to the New Etiquette” book, and has a whole page to itself. What I do remember about the Women’s Lib movement was the bra burning, which I never really understood. I guess it was supposed to be symbolic, but burning images of the Playboy Bunny logo may have been more effective than burning something that I have found, overall, to be very supportive throughout my life. 

I also remember by the early 1980’s, thinking that many of the women the liberation movement was supposed to be helping to “set free,” seemed very unhappy and truly confused. These women, most 10 to 12 years older than me, were out in the world expressing every thought in their heads and jumping into some questionable beds. They certainly didn’t seem fulfilled in any way and sounded downright inauthentic when sharing their “wildly exciting” exploits. I can’t help but think they may have been happier if they had taken seriously some of the advice at the end of this particular chapter of the Cosmo Girls’ book. It was clearly promoting a social movement, but they may have found the support groups helpful. 

In fact, today’s social movements could use a few etiquette books with similar etiquette tips like these offered in 1971 below. At least these tips offer a way out of conversations one finds uncomfortable in, “Meeting once a week, week after week, in consciousness-raising is a kind of group therapy– free. You discuss what it means to you to be a woman... what it means in our society. . . what is gender.. what should it be? You share emotional experiences…” and my favorite bit of advice, “If you don't dig it, just stop going,” as opposed to succumbing to mobs screaming you down, or outright canceling you or someone else, for not agreeing with their beliefs: 

From “The Cosmo Girl’s Guide to the New Etiquette,” 1971, Coexisting with Women’s Lib and Good Manners

Coexistence with our militant sisters takes intelligence and tact. You cannot stem the tide of Women's Revolution (should you indeed want to) with insult... naiveté- “It's all too much for my fragile brain” or praise that damns- “Well, I certainly am for equal pay and child care centers, but I wouldn't be caught dead without my bra. . . . What are all these Lesbians up to?”

The Women's Liberation movement is many-splendored, multi splintered, and worthy of sincere attention. Even if you think the general idea is totally outrageous, you cannot defend your position in ignorance. And, like sex and politics. . . the Women's Lib debate is impossible to avoid.

If you don't know much . . . say, “I just don't know.. Tell me what you mean.” And then listen . . . really listen. “Are you willing to be nothing but a sex object?” you may be asked.

“I love being a sex object,” you might reply. “And my husband is a sex object too, and so is Robert Redford. . . . Gender is wonderful. . . but I hope and assume we are more than mere sex objects.”

An ideal way to learn more about the movement is to join a consciousness-raising group, or form your own, and subscribe to some activist publications. Try “Up from Under” and “Liberation.”…  Read a few books: a must is, “Sexual Politics by Kate Millett.”

Meeting once a week, week after week, in consciousness-raising is a kind of group therapy– free. You discuss what it means to you to be a woman... what it means in our society. . . what is gender.. what should it be? You share emotional experiences. Not only do you learn what your sisters are thinking, but you gain friends, identity, kinship, and possibly some surprising insights into your own head. If you don't dig it, just stop going. 

Informal Place Settings are Most Common

“A few of the people you'll meet at every party. It will pay you to get along with them.” — It will also pay to know their names and primary uses so that you can easily “read” your place settings at luncheons and dinner parties. 

Know your spoons– Placing a superfluous teaspoon at a formal dinner setting, is one of the biggest and common mistakes people make when setting the table. Teaspoons, with accompanying cups and saucers, are only found at informal lunch settings, tea settings or breakfast settings. If there is a teaspoon at your place setting, there must be a course for it; a fruit cup or appetizer, a palate cleanser, etc…
If a soup spoon is at the formal place setting, then a soup should be on the menu. And if there is a soup spoon, it should fit the soup type; Bouillon spoons only go with bouillon cups or bowls, cream soup spoons are only placed at settings with low, soup “plates,” etc…

Informal Place Setting Diagram —Only a luncheon or a very informal dinner setting will feature a cup, saucer and teaspoon. At formal dinner parties, coffee or tea are served away from the dining table. The service for coffee, tea or after dinner liqueurs, is brought out after the meal and usually served away from the table.

Eating is the one social activity common to everyone around the globe, but eating and dining are two different things. Practice dining when you are not in public and it will help you to avoid merely eating when among others.

“Table manners grew out of the fact that unless he is eating in a room empty of all but himself, a man eats in company and food is less appetizing if the other fellow's table manners are sloppy and disgusting. It matters little what sort of food is being served, whether the table is loaded with priceless silver and china or tin and graniteware; the simplest meal is made more attractive by the use of good table etiquette.”— From “Manners for Moderns,” 1938

Part of this article was previously published on the Etiquipedia.blogspot

Etiquette Enthusiast, Maura J. Graber, is the Site Editor for the Etiquipedia© Etiquette Encyclopedia

Pea Knife Etiquette and History

 More from

“What Have We Here? The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived from the Georgia Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond…

A most popular food with which to show off one’s knife dining skills was peas. Many people practiced lining peas carefully upon a steel knife blade, to “pour” into their mouths, much to the chagrin of spouses and parents. A few uncouth, but industrious people even invented and designed special, “pea knives.” It took, as gentle reminders, repeated news and magazine articles over the years to finally get the practice all but abandoned. – The Smart Set, 1921

An unused pea-knife photo and two unused articles, which were originally chosen for my new book. I thought I would share them here, as knife-eating was much more common in the 1700’s and 1800’s than most people understand. Peas were a staple of many diets, as was pea-flour. Two-tined forks were difficult to pick peas up with, so knife blades, which were wide and flat, with dull blades, made the perfect utensil for many to convey peas to the mouth. Back in the 1960’s, when I would go visit my grandparents, my grandfather used to entertain me by eating his peas from his knife. I found it tremendously funny, and he was quite good at it, but it annoyed my grandmother to no end! 

Friday, August 7, 1959 – The Daily Sun -A-5 – Pea-tiful Report

CHICAGO (UPI)-The Canned Pea Council reported that persons who eat peas with a knife must pick up 60 knife-fulls to eat a one-pound can of peas. The council said the average can contains 902 peas; the average pea-eating knife has a five-inch blade and will hold 15 peas. It figures two peas probably will be dropped.

Dining with Dignity –

Dear Sir: I have been troubled with palsy and find it very hard to get a good knifeful of peas up to my mouth. I was compelled to use a spoon, but somehow they don't taste the same. I saw your advertisement in the Echo and I bought a safety pea knife and I want to tell you it's solid comfort. I can't shake them off. God bless you. John Applegate.-From a Vermont paper, 1927

A page from the book, 

What Have We Here?: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...

Some History of Etiquette from 1901

The article below was written nearly a century and a quarter ago. Reading this, one has to wonder what people will think of our etiquette a century and a quarter from now!

Etiquette is a form of fashion more important than style in dress, for the reason that the varying codes of manners have influenced morals, something changing the cut of a coat cannot be said to have done. When etiquette demanded that a gentleman accept a challenge or acknowledge himself a coward in the minds of his fellow citizens, it encroached sharply upon ethics. Now that it has gone out of fashion to kill, gentlemen find small difficulty in keeping the sixth commandment. The less formal etiquette becomes, the less wanton taking of life there is among those who consider good breeding of consequence. 

As the civilized race now stands, either man or woman can be refined, regardless of shape of hat he or she wears. This was true in any century, but 200 years ago and back of that period a gentleman and lady could, according to approved etiquette, gobble food with their hands from a common dish set in the center of the dining table and filled with the entire fashionable bill of fare prepared for the occasion. Gratefully we now acknowledge such proceedings to he “bad form” and in so doing pronounce ourselves two centuries removed from the table manners of swine and one point away from that brute, no matter how similar to him our turn of mind may remain in some other respects.–National Magazine, 1901

Gilded Age Dinner Host’s Duties

Above- Two gilded age or late 19th century, sterling silver, Saratoga Chip servers – One with a plain sterling bowl and the other with a gilded bowl to protect the silver from the salty potato chips.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
 Gilded silver, also called “silver gilt,” or “parcel gilt,” or “vermeil,” is a thin layer of gold on silver to beautify the flatware, or whatever the item may be, but more importantly, in my opinion, it is to protect the silver from corrosive elements it may encounter. Salt is extremely corrosive, as is citric acid or other acidic foods or beverages.

To perform faultlessly the honors of the table is one of the most difficult things in society; it might indeed be asserted, without much fear of contradiction, that no man has as yet ever reached exact propriety in his office as host. 

When he receives others, 

• He must be content to forget himself; 
• He must relinquish all desire to shine, and even all attempts to please his guests by conversation, and rather do all in his power to let them please one another.  
• Help ladies with a due appreciation of their delicacy, moderation, and fastidiousness of their appetites; and 
• Do not overload the plate of any person you serve.  
• Never pour gravy on a plate without permission.  It spoils the meat for some persons. 
• Do not insist upon your guests partaking of particular dishes; 
• Never ask persons more than once, and never put anything by force upon their plates. It is extremely ill-bred, though extremely common, to press one to eat of anything. 
• The host should never recommend or eulogize any particular dish; his guests will take it for granted that anything found at his table is excellent. 
• The most important maxim in hospitality is to leave every one to his own choice and enjoyment, and to free him from an ever-present sense of being entertained.  
• You should never send away your own plate until all your guests have finished. - From Samuel Wells’, “How to Behave,” 1887

Gilded Age Settings and Oysters

A Gilded Age, 6 course, formal place setting, set for oysters as the first course.

As “What Have We Here?” at 162 pages, is 4 times longer than “Reaching for the Right Fork,” I could not use every photograph I took for the book. It would be too long. I will therefore be occasionally adding some of the photos which were ultimately unused to my blog posts. Here is one above, showing a Gilded Age formal place setting, set for a first course of oysters. 

Oyster forks, or any cocktail forks, can be properly placed in 3 different ways:

1. As the first of 3 forks to the left of a setting.
2. At the far right of a place setting, laying flat on the table next to the soup spoon or first knife, whichever utensil to be used afterward.
3. Or resting at an angle, with the small tines resting in the bowl of the soup spoon.

In the setting above, the oyster fork rests at an angle in the soup spoon, or the 3rd option. This positioning was to help those dining at crowded Gilded Age tables deal with an ever-growing list of specialty utensils at each place setting. The fork on the far left of one setting could be mistaken for the first fork expected for many foods for the diner on the right. 

At the same time, the decision had just recently been made by the arbiters of good taste during that time period in the U.S., to no longer allow four forks on the left, but to limit them to three. Those not up to snuff on the most recent etiquette rules, whether hosting a dinner or as a guest at one, could be confused. Laying it at an angle with the tines resting in one’s soup spoon bowl, alerted that guest that the fork belonged to him or her and not the place setting to the right.

This below is a page from the book, “What Have We Here?”: The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...

 

“What Have We Here?” is Here!

What Have We Here? The Etiquette and Essentials of Lives Once Lived, from the Georgian Era through the Gilded Age and Beyond...

I have spoken about writing this book for the last few years, and finally the book is now here, available on Amazon. It was a labor of love and I enjoyed every moment of photographing the items I carefully chose to write about, many of which are on the front cover. 

There is a lot of information on Gilded Age etiquette (in anticipation of the upcoming Julian Fellowes’ program now filming for HBO in New York 😉) along with Georgian Era and Regency Era etiquette, etc… The crazy thing is that it took me several weeks to receive my author copies, but during my wait, people around the world were posting the most wonderful reviews on Instagram! Especially in Italy, where I have made several new friends.  

Of course there are plenty of utensils in the book. Favorites are Edwardian era cayenne pepper spoons, like this sterling one example below, from 1905.

               

Gilded Age chocolate spoons with a chocolate muddler, demitasse-sized trembleuse and pots de creme cups.

Many other items which are not utensils, but were part of everyday lives, are shown coming from the 1700’s through the early 1900’s. And, of course, there is a lot of etiquette included throughout, including place settings and proper use of glasses and dishes.

The Graber Olive House and beautiful late Spring weather offered a perfect backdrop for much of my photography.

Etiquette for gloves and glove stretchers like this Bailey, Banks and Biddle, sterling silver glove stretcher in the form of a duck, is one of my favorite items. Gloves and glove etiquette figure prominently in the book. And the section on napkins and gloves in the Gilded Age with the appropriately named, “napkin burrito,” is a must read and see!

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I want to thank all of the readers who have already purchased the book. Your incredible reviews online and Instagram have meant more than you know and make what I do all the more worthwhile!